Ask Audrey: I love Tanora - but is it too Northside for the Douglas Road?

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice - it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?
Ask Audrey: I love Tanora - but is it too Northside for the Douglas Road?

Ask Audrey: sorting Cork people out for ages

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

It’s 12 pubs time again in north Cork for Christmas, we have to spread it across a few villages because rural pubs are closing faster than Peggy Mac’s curtain when you catch her looking out the window at you. (Leave them open Peg, you’re not fooling anyone.) 

Anyway, we go to Ballydesmond, Kishkeam, Knocknagree and then across the border to Kerry for sexy time because as they used to say long-go, there is someone for everyone in Scartaglin. 

I set up a WhatsApp group for the piss-up and didn’t I start getting messages from the younger crowd saying we want stops that aren’t pubs because we’re sober-curious. 

Off I went on to the internet to find out what that means – it’s basically people who are afraid of enjoying themselves. 

I replied back, saying Jesus lads would you ever give Craic Curious a go and have a skinful of Pornstar Martinis. 

No dice Audrey, they want three alcohol-free stops on the 12 Pubs, and they tried to sell it to me by offering to do the driving. 

I said, wise up you gobshites , half the fun is being stranded in Scart without a spin, so it’s either lob the gob or hitch home. 

Again, no dice, they want what they want. So where would be a few good places to go?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I typed ‘things to do in north Cork that don’t involve drink’ and my laptop actually made a laughing sound.

Hey. So my mom is one of the founder members of Douglas Road Stunners That Force Their Kids to Watch Christmas Movies. 

It’s a total buzz wreck, I’m trying to watch how to make the perfect cheesecake with Pepsi on YouTube and Mom is, “Put that down for five minutes you ungrateful bee-atch, I want to post a photo of you watching Home Alone in your Christmas jumper.” 

It’s super worse this year because her Douglas Road Stunner friends have decided to theme their Christmas movie watch parties as a Norrie Cork Christmas. (Norrie is 'northsider' Audrey, my father trained us to make a face when we say the word, he’s like totally Fun Dad.) 

Anyway, Mom bought us all Liverpool tracksuits, and my brother got a new haircut called a Fade and she hired a greyhound for the photos, we had to lock our eight-grand  Labradoodle out in our huge back garden , he was livid. 

The thing is she also had us drinking this thing called Tanora, but she makes us pronounce it with eight syllables because we’re supposed to be Norries. 

One sip of this and I’m, dude where have you been all my life? I told my friends at school I want to buy it for my lunch, and they were, oooh, that’s totes northside Fifi, you’re out of the group. 

What should I do? 

— Fifi, Douglas Road.

I hear ya. I always wondered why that band wished it was Christmas every day, and then I took a sip of the old Tanora. #AddictedGurrrl

C’mere, what’s the story with a Mam-in-Law who do be touchy-feely after prosecco? 

I lost the annual Your Place or M ine toss with the Old Doll, so it’s off to her Mam’s place again this year for Christmas. 

She doesn’t  drink that much during the year, even though she grew up in Macroom, but she likes to crack open a bottle of bubbles on Christmas morning, it puts a spring in her step according to herself. 

Unfortunately, the step in question is in my direction and she do be all over me like a cheap suit after the second glass of prosecco. 

She’s not even my type, I have a thing about people from Macroom. 

My Old Doll’s family think it’s hilarious, the way she do be groaning and rubbing my shoulders and saying I remind her of Kenny Rogers, but it’s the Nightmare of Christmas Day for me. 

That’s what got me thinking – maybe I could make a few quid out of this if I brought a camera crew along for a documentary about my touchy-feely Mam-in-Law. 

I’d say RTÉ wouldn’t bother because they are up themselves but Virgin Media or Channel 5 in England would be nailed on. Would you give them call there for me?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I rang my TV producer friend there and said what’s your take on a horny middle-aged pisshead getting touchy-feely with her son-in-law. 

She said, I’m ashamed of it Audrey and I’m seeking help.

I need to buy my mistress a Christmas present but I don’t want to buy lingerie in Cork because everyone knows everyone and word would get back to my wife, she’s a solicitor. 

My brother says he gets all his mistress gifts in Dublin so I’m thinking of heading up there next week to get my hands on something lacy. 

Where would you recommend?

— Paul, Glanmire

My sister lives in Dublin, she has an English accent now. 

I said where would be a good place to buy lingerie for a bit on the side.

She said, try Rome, it would work out cheaper to fly there when you factor in the price of parking in Dublin. 

I said, do you think the shop assistant in Rome would be used to helping married men buy knickers for their girlfriends? 

We had a huge laugh at that because they totally would.

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