Saying yes... yes... yes! to safe and respectful sex this party season

Gen Z is having less sex than previous generations, and “It’s not just about the housing market,” says West. Could it be that Gen Z is more consent literate?

Consent is an enthusiastic yes rather than the absence of a no. (Think Connell in Normal People, checking in verbally with Marianne throughout their sexual intimacy). 

West describes consent as OMFG: ongoing, mutual, freely given.

“It doesn’t have to be formal —as in ‘may I put my left hand on your left breast’,” she says. “Saying things like ‘don’t stop’ is a far hotter way of affirming consent. Also, check-ins —‘Like this?/Slower?/Faster?’ — are very affirmative. Ongoing consent can add so much to sex, make it so much hotter.”

Colette Murphy, vice president for welfare at the Union of Students Ireland, says: “Most people want to talk about consent but are worried that others don’t want to. We’re a bit awkward about it.

“Sex education at second level is inadequate, so we’re still at the beginning of the conversation — there is a growing understanding of how sex and consent need to be talked about.”

A 2021 survey of 7,900 Irish students found that a fifth of those questioned felt too shy to broach active verbal consent during sex.

“We shouldn’t be coming to third-level education still needing to be educated about how verbal consent is as necessary as non-verbal,” says Murphy. “Also, the stereotype is that consent is always for the woman, but it’s important to remember that men can experience sexual assault too. Consent is for everyone.”

Consent workshops are now a mandatory part of Freshers Week.

Stories of assault

In 2021, Chanel Contos, a young Australian woman, posted on Instagram asking people to share their stories on sexual assault during their school years. 

Almost 7,000 responded, describing behaviour that basically constituted rape or sexual assault, almost all by people they knew. None had been reported — thanks to the outmoded idea that male pleasure trumps female humanity.

Contos responded with Teach Us Consent, a movement urging the government to include consent in sex education, thereby “putting consent, empathy and respect at the heart of sex education”.

“I was at a sleepover with four friends and we started sharing stories of boys we knew who had sexually assaulted girls we knew,” she says.

“We had endless stories to tell, and in that conversation, we all revealed we too had been victims of sexual assault by boys that we were all familiar with.

“I found out the same boy who had sexually assaulted me had sexually assaulted another one of my friends. I felt terrible and thought, ‘If I knew what consent was, I could have reported him and stopped it from happening to her’. Now I think, ‘If he had known what consent was, maybe he would have never done it to either of us’.”

While doing her masters in education, gender and international development in London, she says it became increasingly obvious how “preventable sexual violence was with adequate consent education”.

Contos started her campaign with an Instagram poll. She ended with “all ministers of education from around Australia unanimously agreeing to mandate consent education in the national curriculum from kindergarten until year 12”.

Orgasm gap

During heterosexual sex, women have fewer orgasms than men. Professor Laurie Mintz of the University of Florida calls this the ‘Orgasm Gap’, in her book Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters — And How to Get It. A 2016 study of 52,500 US adults of varying sexualities found that 95% of heterosexual men usually or always experienced orgasm, compared to 65% of heterosexual women.

“This is a testament to the focus we put on male sexual pleasure and the disregard of female sexuality,” says Contos. “Essentially, if you’re having sex with a woman, you’re more likely to orgasm. If you have sex with a man, you’re less likely to orgasm.”

West adds how the sex represented in mainstream straight porn props up sexual ignorance. “The clitoris may as well not exist,” she says. “It’s all about pleasing the man via oral followed by penetration.”

The influence of porn on women can cause a disconnect from their authentic sexuality as they are more concerned about how their bodies may look than how their bodies feel.

“Heterosexual women are less likely to orgasm during hook-ups because they are less likely to express their likes and dislikes,” says West. “Again, this can be down to gendered sexual norms, plus shame. There are still traces of intergenerational shame in Irish women, and also still people having sex because of peer pressure.”

The wrong formula

Contos, who recently published a book, Consent Laid Bare, says learning to have sex from watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Formula One: “A terrible and dangerous idea.”

She continues, “Pornography is the main form of sex education for many young people.

“Pornography creates unrealistic expectations for young people, which can lead to health risks like body image issues. By teaching that violence is a common form of intimacy and consistently failing to show consent, pornography can be detrimental to a young person’s ability to connect when they know nothing else.

“Young girls are expected to do acts that aren’t pleasurable, comfortable or fun for them. As pornography is an indoctrinating source, it can make young girls feel they are supposed to mimic acts they or their partners see in videos, which creates confusion about what they are consenting to.”

And it’s rubbish for men too.

“Expectations on men are damaging for them,” she says. “Narratives such as men always want to have sex, and they’re always up for it are problematic and untrue. Sadly, there are so few positive role models that have the same level of popularity as problematic ones like Andrew Tate, who are consistently amplified on social media.”

But like consent, the good news is that more positive cultural influences are gaining ground. Slowly.

Dr West mentions singer Harry Styles and actor Pedro Pascal as positive male role models and shows such as Heartstopper, Principles of Pleasure, Sex Education, Euphoria and Big Mouth as sex-positive viewing.

Contos talks about Heartbreak High, a Netflix show set in an Australian high school that she says accurately portrays teen life.

“The first season featured — cleverly, with humour — common issues of consent, slut-shaming, toxic masculinity, homophobia and asexuality,” she says. “It makes me happy to see narratives about healthy relationships on screen because when I grew up, most of the shows and movies I watched normalised sexual violence and misogyny in a way that made those things look cool.”

In Ireland, as well as increased awareness around consent, West talks about how ‘slut-shaming’ continues to be robustly addressed by Coco’s Law, in place since February 2021, which can result in up to seven years in prison for anyone who distributes intimate images non-consensually. What used to be known inaccurately and salaciously as ‘revenge porn’ is image-based sexual abuse — and is highly illegal.

So whether you want to swing from the chandeliers this party season or avoid chandeliers entirely, the only thing you need is an unwavering understanding of consent — what it means for you and what it means for any potential playmates.

It’s all about three huge little words — yes, yes, yes. Anything less than that, forget it.