Talk To Me: We're separated but I'm jealous of her new relationship

Fri, 01 Dec, 2023 - 18:07

Caroline Martin

My wife and I separated about five years ago and have stayed on good terms for the sake of our two teenage children. Our daughter recently told me that my ex has met a man online and they’re going on weekly dates. I know it’s her business and we’re no longer a couple but I’m surprised by how upset and jealous I feel. I’m currently single, which probably doesn’t help.

When a marriage ends, we may go through a period of grief and recovery. As our ship steadies, we may assume we have resolved that pain and have moved on. The reality is that we may need to revisit the loss several times before we have truly integrated the experience. When we are confronted with this pain yet again, it can be quite disorientating or even shocking.

Your ex-wife’s new relationship possibly reminds you of your romance’s early days. It may feel as though she is getting to relive those lovely memories without you. It is entirely normal to experience jealousy. It may even seem as though she is cheating on you, which is naturally upsetting. This does not mean you are still in love with her, but it reflects the extent of your previous bond. However, her new relationship is an entirely different entity and marches to the beat of a different drum. The time you had together was unique to you, and the arrival of a new partner does not erase the memories of times you shared.

Some of your recollections will likely bring happiness and subsequently a sense of loss but there will also be ones that remind you of why you went your separate ways. Consider how you each contributed to this decision. Use these memories to reassure you that the marriage had run its course.

When faced with her new relationship, it is also natural to question whether ending the marriage was the right choice. Talking to a registered therapist will help you tease out whether there are residual emotions and how to make peace with them. Talking with a psychotherapist will also reveal whether some of your reaction relates to a loss of control. Take time to reflect on how you experience control and power. Understanding the roots of your emotions can help you process and navigate them more effectively.

The end of a marriage does not automatically mean the end of a relationship. You have managed to successfully reimagine your relationship as co-parents, which is no small achievement. As co-parents, you are required to attune to each other and maintain an emotional attachment, bringing an additional layer of complexity.

Emotions are contagious. Perhaps some of your reactions reflect your children’s feelings. I wonder if they are a bit put out that, after five years, they need to share their mum with her new man. It is critical to have done your own reflecting before you begin to explore their feelings in a neutral and nonjudgmental space. Your children are likely going to be highly vigilant of your reactions. Be careful not to make them feel guilty or responsible for your emotions. Do not mine your children for information about their mum’s boyfriend as this places them in the middle, asking them to protect their mother’s privacy and you from discomfort.

Focusing on your shared commitment to your children will help ensure your responses are guided by what is best for them. Jealousy will only distract from this commitment. Take time to consider the core values you want to share or nourish in your children. Look for opportunities to demonstrate and live according to those values with your children. Consider how important respect and compassion are.

When caught off guard, it is normal to feel like we are spinning initially, and we can engage in unhelpful behaviours. But by focusing on your role as a father, you will be less likely to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to the new boyfriend.

While maintaining the positive co-parenting relationship you have created, it is equally important to protect space for you and your ex-wife to lead separate lives. As you move into this new phase it will be critical to be clear about new boundaries. This might involve a conversation about setting limits on the details you share about your personal lives and agreement on how those boundaries can be protected in conversations with your children.

Accepting that your ex-wife is moving on with her life is a key part of the healing process. Embracing the idea that both of you are entitled to pursue happiness can lead to a healthier mindset.

You may find that as you work through this shift in your relationship, you develop a keener sense of what you are looking for in your next partnership. Consider how you have changed since your marriage, how you have grown, and how your values have shifted. Now, what kind of person might you like to invite into your new life?

Take care.