Sex File: We've got out of the habit of sex

As you say in your longer letter, for the past six and a half years your relationship has been dominated by the stress of getting pregnant - twice - followed by the stress of getting two babies out of the womb, then out of nappies and, eventually, out of the house and into nursery. 

One of them still makes their way into your bed every night. It's a lot.

Couples with young children tend to acknowledge the big changes in their lives, but they often don't recognise the cumulative impact of all the minor ones. When you have two children under four, there is more laundry, more cooking, more shopping and more picking bits of Lego off the carpet. You have less time and less money, and babysitters are expensive so you don't see your adult friends as much.

You can't be spontaneous and, as a mum, you definitely don't have as much personal freedom. Your body image may be shot to pieces and I bet you haven't had a full night's sleep in years.

Because you were a little older, and pregnancy didn't happen immediately, you may feel that you don't have a right to admit that mothering two small children can be challenging. You certainly don't need to qualify your exhaustion as 'joyful', as you did to me.

You shouldn't feel bad about not having sex either. Most couples in your situation are barely speaking, so don't add sex to the list of things that worry you daily. 

Worrying about sex is counterproductive anyway, because in the same way that a watched pot never boils, obsessively monitoring the absence of sex in your relationship is a surefire way to ensure that you never get the feels again. 

Give yourselves permission to find your way back to sex in your own time and, until that happens, focus on increasing intimacy.

The awkwardness you feel isn't in your head by the way. When you stop having sex, trying to get it back on track feels weird and clumsy. Own that, and laugh at it. Be goofy with each other and keep talking. If you take the pressure out of the situation, this issue will resolve itself more rapidly. 

A good thing about small children is that they go to bed early, so in the hours between your daughter going to sleep and coming into your bed, get naked and cuddle. Even if you don't have sex, skin-to-skin contact will help to sustain intimacy.

In your day-to-day interactions, take every opportunity to embrace each other, to be tactile, to kiss each other and to express delight and awe at how much you have managed to build in the short space of time you have been together.

Stay connected emotionally, and the physical connection will reappear. And when you actually want to have sex, believe me, you will find the time. Just remember to use contraception.

• Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com