Dear Dáithí: Should we leave our house to the daughter who needs it most or split it evenly?

My husband and I were in our early 20s when we had our first daughter Mary. We didn't have a clue what we were doing but always tried our best. 

We weren't living near family at the time and we were both working, Mary went to childcare from a young age and we wouldn't have had loads of money at the time for things like music lessons or gymnastics. 

I feel guilt over this, I won't lie. 

We had our second daughter Joan, 12 years after Mary. We had moved back to our home town then and had a lot of support from grandparents, aunts and uncles. 

It's fair to say Joan had a much different (easier) childhood than Mary. Joan is in college now, doing a Ph.D., still lives at home with us but works part-time and contributes to the household bills. 

She always did very well in school and is a great help to us.

Mary is flitting around from job to job, and rental to rental, she's never really settled and she often borrows money from us. My husband and I recently went to write out our will. 

My husband feels we should leave everything split evenly between them (we don't have masses of anything, but we have the house nearly paid off and some savings) but I feel Joan is on the way to making a very good living, we've paid for her college tuition and she's had advantages Mary never got. 

I want to leave the family home solely to Mary. My husband and I are at loggerheads over it. 

What should we do?  

First of all, the two girls are very lucky to have parents like you both, hard-working and doing everything to make sure they had everything they needed all the time with one eye on their future now. 

There are 12 years between your daughters, you were in two different places in life when each were born, and you really can’t compare like with like when it comes to the money you had etc. 

Yes, the facts are the one got music lessons and gymnastics simply because ye had a few more bobs at that time.

I can see how you’re feeling guilty, but you shouldn’t! 

The question is, did you give it your all when it came to your daughters outside of money? I’d imagine the answer is yes and that’s all that really counts. 

People sometimes only look at the monetary value and forget the most important thing and that can simply be doing your best. 

The facts are you didn’t have the support system around you when Mary was born, and you say ye didn’t really have a clue what ye were doing, you’re not alone with this, but the main thing is you got through it and see where you are now. 

No parents know what they’re doing first, second or third time out.

Having children in your 20s might seem odd to any young person reading this, but not to us. My parents had my eldest brothers in their early 20s. 

My Dad worked all his life and my mother was a stay-at-home mom until I was around 13, when she worked in the kitchen of a pub. 

The best of both worlds? Maybe, but when mom was working it did make me more independent, I believe, and that’s only from experience. Before that, I would have been stuck to her. 

Yes, I was (and might still be) the ultimate mammy's boy, and proud of it.

Joan does sound like the golden child; she’s doing well in college and in the middle of a Ph.D. Well done to her and you must be very proud. 

With all of this, she has a part-time job and even helps out with some bills. I must show this to my son when he’s that age. 

Mary on the other hand goes from job to job and rental to rental and on the outside might seem not as together as her sister. 

That might be only on the outside though. I think you should chat to her and ask her if she is happy with where she is in life. 

She might be very happy. People are built differently. Some people are like butterflies and are just happy floating through life and sometimes I envy those people, they can go through life without a care in the world.

The important thing here is not to look at them differently, you love them both equally and no sum of money or house should say I love you more to one than the other. Money is only the side dish here.

Wills can be a minefield and it seems that you and your husband are at odds with who should get the house. 

Here is what I’d do. Do nothing for a while, you don’t need to make this decision now, so why draw this stress on yourself and your family? 

For example, in a few years if Joan makes a load of money after her Ph.D. then Mary should probably get the house, and if Mary does well for herself and Joan's Ph.D. doesn’t make her loads of dough then Joan might get it. 

Now with the help of God, they both might be doing well then sign it over to me... only joking!!! 

Split it equally but take your time. God forbid something might happen to one of ye and you might have to sell it.

Just going back to the start, don’t feel one bit guilty. You and your husband have worked very hard to get where ye are in life. What’s happened yesterday is gone and nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Enjoy today!

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