Talk to Me: My adult children expect me to do all the running at Christmas

Sun, 26 Nov, 2023 - 11:00

Psychologist Caroline Martin

I know Christmas is supposed to be 'the most wonderful time of the year,' but I dread the pressure. From mid-December to January 1, our young adult children expect us to have an open house with a fully-stocked fridge, including chilled beer. I want them to have a good time and bring their friends over but they expect me to do all the running. To make matters worse, it's our turn to host the extended family Christmas Day dinner. My husband says we'll all row in on the day but I know better. I'm exhausted even thinking about it.

So This Is Christmas is a beautiful film by Irish filmmaker, Ken Wardrop. The film shares the story of five individuals who will feel familiar to many of us. They are not the typical Hollywood characters — their stories are far more authentic, gritty and Irish. This is your Christmas story; perhaps it's time to consider your role as the architect of the ending.

Your eagerness to resolve the Christmas entertainment dilemma has you jumping to conclusions. These conclusions are quite negative and leave you with a sense of being taken advantage of. I wonder if this is already influencing your interactions with your family. What if you paused before making assumptions and predicting the outcome?

Your assumptions may be based on prior experience with your children, spouse and extended family but that doesn’t leave you without agency. This is not an inevitability. You can reflect on previous Christmas celebrations and, rather than using them to predict this year’s story, consider what needs to be different so you can change the outcome.

Our biases heavily influence our recollections, preventing us from seeing the full picture. Talking to others and inviting them to share their memories can help recreate a more complete picture. With this fuller account of the family's experiences, you can decide which aspects are most important and which, in fact, hold little value.

Your husband has indicated that everyone will help out on the day. Your anxiety about whether this will be a reality has you jumping hurdles before you’ve reached them. Trust your ability to solve problems when they arise. You are expending lots of energy solving problems that may not come to pass. This is exhausting and sends a message to your brain that you can’t cope, diminishing your sense of efficacy.

Some may tell you to distract yourself when these problematic and possibly overwhelming thoughts arrive. Distraction can help momentarily but you may feel like you’re going around in circles. It can be helpful to be kind to yourself instead.

When acting from a place of self-compassion, you can acknowledge and validate your feelings without judgment. With self-kindness, we allow curiosity about challenging scenarios to emerge. You might ask yourself what boundaries have been crossed in previous years that conspire now to leave you feeling like it is all on your shoulders.

Using this opportunity to set healthy boundaries with your children is essential. Let them know that you want to help them to create a welcoming environment for their friends. Ask them to be specific about their wants and hopes, and suggest you work together in setting realistic expectations. Actively engaging your adult children in the planning creates a sense of unity.

Once you have moved into a space of curiosity, take time to identify what your fears are. Write them down, taking time to choose the words. Ask if there are better words to describe your concerns. When you are happy that you have identified what is causing your anxiety, share these with your husband and let him know that you will need his support. Encourage open communication and teamwork.

You may as a family decide to use technology to help you communicate, organise, delegate, and prioritise agreed actions. Apps such as Trello, Todoist, and The Organised Mum can help you organise your thoughts, establish a workable plan, and keep you on task.

When creating the plan, be sure to incorporate activities that bring you joy and opportunities for relaxation. Remember that taking care of yourself allows you to better care for others and enjoy their company.

Co-creating an enjoyable Christmas with those who will be part of the festivities allows everyone to have a sense of contributing to the magic of the shared time. Share the responsibilities, and ask your family to help. People can bring different dishes or table settings or be responsible for the games.

Traditions are lovely when they serve us, but it is wise to know when to let them go and make new ones. If your gut is telling you that the old patterns are unmanageable, listen to it. After all, Christmas doesn’t come from bottomless bowls of crisps or endless bottles of beer. Perhaps it comes from shared experiences in the lead-up or the day itself. Or as Dr Suess suggests: ‘Christmas means a little bit more'.

Take care.