Getting to know you: The reality of bonding with your newborn

Dr Freda Wynne, senior clinical psychologist with the specialist perinatal mental health team in Cork University Maternity Hospital (CUMH), says it is not unusual for a mum not to bond immediately with their baby. “It’s not always a rush of love and it doesn’t come easily to all parents. It is common to have feelings of indifference towards our baby, or an ‘is this all’ feeling.”

Wynne says for some, bonding can begin in pregnancy and continue straight through — the British survey found that 56% started to bond during pregnancy. “For others, it starts straight away [after birth], and for others again it can take a few weeks or longer. Feelings of warmth and love can take time. It’s a process.”

Dr Anne-Marie Casey, senior clinical psychologist at Children’s Health Ireland (CHI) Crumlin’s paediatric psychology department, says the terms ‘bonding’ and ‘attachment’ are sometimes used interchangeably but points out there are subtle differences between them. “Bonding is what the parent feels for the infant — it’s the parent bit. Attachment is the emotional connection that develops between parent and infant — it’s the both bit.”

Bonding is important, she says, because it helps parents feel connected to their newborn. “Most parents find the feelings towards their infant develop within the first week of birth, but some can struggle with the bond.”

And while there can be “a collectively held view that you’ll feel love and immense joy from the moment you set eyes on your baby”, Casey points to other British research from the National Childbirth Trust that found up to 32% of new mothers have difficulties bonding with their baby. She cites even earlier research that found 40% of first-time mothers and 25% of second-time mothers feel indifferent to their babies.

“We’re living in a world of perfect and instant everything. But although this has been a relationship developing over nine months, relationships take time to nurture. Like all relationships, it takes time to get to know your baby.”

Reach out for help

There can be many reasons why a new mother might struggle to bond with her baby. Casey points to some of these: If the new mum had a C-section or there was some separation between parent and infant early on; if the infant spent time in the neonatal intensive care unit (Nicu); was born early or with a congenital difficulty; or if the mother experienced birth trauma.

One mum who responded to the Parent-Infant Foundation survey said: “I really struggled to bond with my first baby after a week-long horror show of a labour. He was in Nicu for a week. Which was very difficult, especially as it was the height of covid.”

Additional factors that can make bonding difficult for a new parent include having mental health difficulties (for example, postpartum depression or anxiety), multiple stressors in their life, if they themselves haven’t had good caregiving experiences as a child, previous traumas or previous fertility/pregnancy losses. “These can all be compounded by societal pressures on new parents — and unrelenting expectations on those transitioning to become parents,” says Casey.

Becoming a parent is demanding of your time, one mother told the British survey: “It often leaves people grieving their old life pre-baby. And that can be triggering to feel detached, or to feel easily triggered by the challenges of parenthood.”

If a mum feels she is not connecting with her baby — and if she has an inflated sense of anxiety, guilt, worry, isolation, making her feel even further disconnected from her baby — and if she feels hopeless about the potential bond, Casey says these are warning signs to reach out for support. “It’s estimated that one in 10 new mothers feel embarrassed to speak to someone when they’re struggling to bond with their baby, but the message is ‘do not feel alone’. Try not to worry or overthink it. These feelings are more common than you think.”

Some mums who participated in the survey wanted to see more openness about bonding difficulties. “I just think it should be discussed — the possibility that you might not bond immediately but that that is okay,” said one.

The good news, says Casey, is that caring for your baby helps create the bond. “That love and joy, the feeling of ‘this baby is mine’, comes from the most mundane of tasks. You expect love to come out of a joyous thing — but it’s from that tender, task-oriented care that it emerges.”

In the doing of these tasks, Casey urges parents to pay attention to the cues their baby is sending. “The baby’s behaviour is its language. How is it speaking to you?”

Delight for parents can come when they realise how adeptly the baby has communicated ‘I liked this or disliked that’.

“All of these tasks of parenting an infant — like bathing, feeding — can help build an emotional connection with the baby. This bond [grows] into an attachment, where the baby’s capacities develop to reciprocate the care and love, and the emotional connection is enhanced.”

Positive feelings will come if intention is there

Wynne says when you consider the transition to parenthood it is not surprising that a mum might not initially feel connected. “There’s so much to adapt to in those early weeks, so much going on and to get used to.”

What’s important is that the parent has an intention to connect with their baby — even in the absence of any lovely feelings. “When we’re holding our baby close, cuddling our baby, really trying to develop the relationship and getting to know our baby, we’re hoping through that the [happy lovely] feelings will emerge.”

If the intention to connect is there, Wynne says opportunities for connecting arise all the time. “In those everyday interactions — feeding, changing, bathing, talking to baby about what we’re doing, tuning in and looking for the ways they’re interacting, and responding to those cues. Engaging in these activities is great for baby, but also sets up the conditions for feelings of connection to develop for mum.

“The feelings may not be there initially but it’s through these interactions that, over time, they come [because] things can start to develop emotionally between mum and baby — the way your baby looks at you when you feed her. The first smiles can make you smile.”

For mums concerned about their bond with their baby, connecting with a trusted friend or family member can be an important first step in acknowledging their feelings and getting some support, says Casey. “Speaking to your local public health nurse can be a vital step too. They can link you in with peer support, feeding, and new parent groups. And speak to your GP or primary care centre if you feel the lack of bond is getting in the way of looking after your infant or yourself.”

Wynne points out that the perinatal mental health team sees women during pregnancy and up to one year after childbirth. “We have a specialist mental health midwife who often meets women struggling with bonding.”

Ideas abound that new parenthood is a very happy time. “Whereas in reality, it’s more of a balance between happy and more difficult moments. That’s probably more realistic but it isn’t often talked about much,” says Wynne.

And bonding is a process, she says, which may occur as a powerful moment or experience — or as lots of little moments of connection that over time build the bond.

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