Joanna Fortune: My autistic daughter is being excluded by friends

Wed, 22 Nov, 2023 - 07:58

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Child psychotherapist

My adult daughter has just been diagnosed with autism and is very upset. The worst thing for her is being excluded by friends and seeing them out without her on social media. She made no friends in college — one is in a different college doing her master’s and lives abroad. Should she try to meet one or two friends to tell them how she feels?

Making friends can be very challenging for some people and when you are a person living with neurodiversity, it can be even more so.

We all need friends in our lives, even though it might be challenging to find people who understand you, enjoy being with you and with whom you feel a genuine connection.

I gather from your email that your daughter’s friendship struggles predate her formal diagnosis.

This diagnosis may have brought a mix of relief and distress as it puts into context some of her struggles and helps explain why some aspects of her friendships have been difficult to manage.

There are two approaches to consider: reaching out to existing friends and creating new friendship groups.

She could make contact with one or two of her friend groups and share her journey through this diagnosis and how she is processing previous struggles through this new lens of understanding. Sharing her insights and reflections may also help her friends better understand her. There is no guarantee being open about her diagnosis will fuel a reconnection with friends, so managing expectations is important here.

What we need from our friends and who we want to connect with changes and evolves across the trajectory of our lives. As our circumstances change, we may spend less time with some friends and form new friendships. This is often pronounced in the transition from secondary school to college, when previously tight friendship groups can splinter as people move in different directions and fill their lives with new people and interests.

It is also worth sitting with your daughter and exploring her interests.

Next, check if your locality has classes, groups or clubs for those interests. This allows her to spend structured time each week with people with whom she has shared interests.

Meeting new people can be a stressful experience for some people living with neurodiversity so the structure of a set class or meet-up each week can help.

She may wish to try both approaches, but regardless, it is clear your daughter has been struggling and experiencing isolation and loneliness. I suggest she connect with a mental health professional (clinical psychologist or psychotherapist) who specialises in neurodiversity. The professional who diagnosed her may be the best person to start with for such a referral.