Dear Dáithí: How do I save myself from a Christmas filled with hints about starting a family?

If I buy concert tickets or book a holiday she says I should be saving to start a family.

She says she is young enough to help out now but might not be able to if I leave it too much longer.

If I meet up with a friend who has children she says things like 'they suit you' or 'you would be a great mother too'.

I know she will mention it at every opportunity this Christmas and she will have my aunts on my case too. If I don't have a drink in my hand she will give me knowing looks and I can feel her looking at me when there are babies in ads on TV.

How do I get her to back off?

This is a very common problem, and you are not alone with this one. There should be a little solace in that. 

Sometimes especially if your friends have children it can be isolating and a lonely place. You are being singled out from the crowd in a way. With all of this, there is the added pressure that there are no grandchildren in your family. This is not your fault and it's not up to you to ‘fix’ the problem! Unless of course you want to, and it sounds like you will someday and at your own pace — the only way to do it.

Your mother comes from a different time, and when you think of it, things have changed so much — and for the better. Your mother, like my own, was used to women having babies in their 20s and early 30s, so that’s what makes sense to them. I think people can be very slow to change their minds when it comes to something they have been through themselves. Now they are entitled to their opinion as everyone is, but opinions can hurt especially if they are repeated over and over again.

The don’t ‘let it too late’ can be such a throwaway comment but can really hurt and be very annoying. I always think of those who can’t have children having that said to them. People just shoot their mouths off not realising what others are going through. Now this isn’t the case with you, but your mother needs to know that this is bugging you.

Your mother might not even be aware that she is saying anything wrong and until you tell her it will continue. So, you need to sit her down and explain why this is bothering you. This conversation needs to happen before Christmas, before all the aunts come over. You’re going to have to say to your mom that the aunts need to back off too, they are only added fuel to the already blazing fire. Whatever about your mother saying things and she is your mom, so you must give her some leeway but when the aunts start, it's worse than a colonoscopy.

Aunts of a certain breed can’t read a room, have no filter and can cause more damage than they realise.

They will, as you say, be watching your every move over Christmas and seeing if you’re not drinking. If you’re seen with a glass of water the rumour mill will be in full flight: 'She’s either pregnant or on antibiotics’ they’ll say. You know what to do here: stay on the sauce for the festive season and give them no opportunity to be giving you the side eye.

The whole ‘you should be saving your money to start a family’ is a crock. You’ve earned it and you do what you please with it. When you want to start saving for a family you, and only you, will know when to do that. I’m sure your mother didn’t listen to her mom when it came to this. I don’t want to be too hard on your mom here. She only wants what’s best for you, the only thing is that best has changed over the years.

Now there is a big huge compliment in what you wrote to me and it must be taken as so. She said ‘you’d make a great mother’. This coming from anyone is great but coming from your mom is special. I’ve been called many things in my life, but Dad was the best of them. My mother told me once that I was a great Dad and I started crying. I think it’s the best compliment I’ve ever received. So, the fact that your mother thinks this is brilliant.

Now she is setting out her stall as chief babysitter — don’t bat this away, this will be very handy and will be needed. That grandmother-grandchild relationship is so special, and I can see why your mother is offering her services. You will love to see this too if and when the time comes.

There is one person who we haven’t spoken about yet and that is your dad. If your dad is like me, he will know how to navigate these waters with your mom. I’d have a chat with your father first and explain the situation to him. He will know how to go about it. He will take the sting out of the tail if there is one. Now if your dad isn't able for this, you’ll have to go it alone and do what I said earlier. There might be a little pain at first, but it will be worth it. I do have faith in Dad this time though. I feel it in me water as my own father would say!

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