Colman Noctor: Parents of children who bully are key to resolution

The impact of being bullied or excluded on a child’s self-worth is long-lasting. If we are serious about protecting children, then we need to eradicate bullying.

Bullying is difficult to tackle, firstly because the victim may be reluctant to ask for help; they feel embarrassed and ashamed.

When they confide in someone, they may not want that person to respond on their behalf, for fear it might worsen the situation.

This is a rational concern: Adult interventions often exacerbate the problem.

Secondly, there is a need for tangible proof before a complaint can be made about bullying, and exclusion is difficult to prove. And, thirdly, the parents of the child accused of bullying often vehemently deny any wrongdoing.

Perhaps these parents are the group we have yet to address in our attempts to 'make some noise’ about bullying, instead of asking children to fill out wellbeing and friendship worksheets in school.

As soon as bullying behaviour is raised with the perpetrator, parents will often make a beeline to the school with a ‘Not my Johnny’ or ‘Not my defence. While I always advocate for having your child’s back, parents should hold their children accountable for any wrongdoing.

Parents blind to bullying

Teachers repeatedly tell me how parents often believe their child can do no wrong and react aggressively to anyone who suggests otherwise.

This blind support is deeply problematic and works against any effort to eliminate bullying.

If teachers raise the issue that a child has been acting cruelly towards a peer, it is crucial this intervention is not scoffed at or the behaviour immediately defended by the parents.

If the child’s parents adopt a position that the school is being ‘hysterical’ and their child’s behaviour is ‘only a bit of fun’ or they infer that the victim is lying or exaggerating, the child will believe that their behaviour is acceptable and that it’s everyone else’s problem, and nothing will change.

I understand how it might be difficult to accept that the child you love and admire could act cruelly towards another child or children. However, excusing their behaviour or blaming others will do little to promote their self-awareness.

If the bullying is to stop, the perpetrator needs to hear from home and school that it’s unacceptable, and sanctions be initiated in both environments if it continues.

Parents are not always part of the problem, but they are part of the solution.

When schools take a collaborative approach, the children and parents on both sides, must be involved in any discussions. Research by Professor Coby van Niejenhuis and colleagues, published in the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, found that where teachers and parents were involved and aligned, the likelihood of a resolution was greatly improved.

Parents have a duty to ensure their child is not the perpetrator.

While it might never cross our mind that they could be, perhaps it might be helpful, during Anti-Bullying Week, to take a moment to ask yourself if this could be possible.

It might also be an opportune time to remind our children that if there is any evidence of them taking part in bullying or exclusionary behaviour, the sanctions will be significant.

If young people are made aware that all forms of bullying are unacceptable and that there will be home-based sanctions, in addition to those handed out by the school, it is likely to be far more effective than a leaflet designed by a board of management and stuck on a wall in a school.

If we want to stop bullying, we need to identify the children and young people who engage in this type of behaviour and, in conjunction with their parents, eliminate it.

If we don’t have parental buy-in, the actions of the school and concerned others will be futile.

So let’s take a moment to consider whether your child could be the perpetrator or a member of the gallery, watching and encouraging the bullying and exclusion. If you attend an autumn parent-teacher meeting over the coming weeks, ask the school whether they have any concerns about this aspect of your child’s behaviour and invite the staff to be honest with you. If there are any red flags, then act upon them.

Bullying and exclusionary behaviour don’t crop up overnight; they are usually a result of a process of escalation.

It is best to intervene before it develops into more severe bullying. While many might suggest that schools should make us aware of these dynamics as soon as possible, most teachers likely hope this behaviour will blow over and not materialise into anything more sinister.

How to prevent bullying

According to the American Psychological Association, there are steps parents can take if they are concerned their child is a bully.

• Stop bullying before it starts by educating your children. Perhaps your child has trouble reading social signs and does not know what they are doing is hurtful.
• Make your home ‘bully-free’. Children learn behaviour through what they see, so exposure to aggressive behaviour or an overly strict environment at home can make children more prone to bullying at school. We need to be mindful to model positive examples for our children in our relationships with other people and with them.
• Look out for self-esteem issues. Children with low self-esteem often bully to feel better about themselves. Even children who seem popular and well-liked can have mean tendencies. Bullying behaviour should be addressed by parents and be disciplined.

Use this week not only to promote the value of inclusion but also to be clear that there will be serious ramifications and consequences if you ever hear that your child plays any role in excluding others. While having our child’s back is important, unconditional support of cruel or unfair behaviour communicates the wrong message and makes us complicit in children becoming victims of bullying and exclusion.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist