Talk To Me: I've fallen out with my friend and I miss her 

I was shocked and hurt and didn't know what to say. As far as I was concerned, we all had a great night. 

Yes, I had a few drinks, but so did the others. I didn't apologise as I believe I didn't do anything wrong. 

We used to go for a weekly coffee and chat, but there's no point as we're not in contact. I miss my friend, and I'm not sure what to do.

‘So no one told you life was going to be this way.’ And so the theme song of one of our dearest TV shows begins. Friends has been in the headlines since the untimely passing of Matthew Perry, reminding us of the importance of friendships, which support us through the various struggles and losses we experience in life.

Some of us prefer to manage conflict by sticking our heads in the sand and avoiding the discomfort, some will seek to appease and diminish their needs, others grab it with two hands and assert their stance. 

But when both parties value the relationship and reparation is the shared goal, there is only one option: to grasp the thorny nettle and work it through together. This is not the easy road but the reward is an inevitable deepening of the friendship.

This idea is captured well in the episode 'The One with Chandler in a Box' when Joey insists that Chandler pays the price for a romantic transgression by reflecting on his behaviour in a box. It may be that your friend has placed you in a box, asking you to reflect on your behaviour.

Take time to consider how you experience and manage conflict, look back on previous conflicts and notice any patterns. Ask yourself if the same conditions apply now or if you are deploying a habitual response. By becoming curious you can step back from the conflict.

This creates space to reflect on the events of the evening. In addition to your or your friend’s recollection, consider how it may have looked or sounded from the perspective of a neutral bystander. You may discover that both of your experiences can be true. Consider how previous encounters or assumptions have influenced this event. These may be shared moments or assumptions built within the context of the group, but they may also be from experiences elsewhere.

Separate your friend’s intention from the words used. It is possible that your friend intended to express concern about your drinking or to let you know that she felt disrespected. 

Having allowed for multiple truths to co-exist, you can now reflect on the emotional toll of what has happened to you both. 

I wonder if your friend is also missing you. Make a list of the ways you think she might be feeling. Which are the hardest feelings for you to acknowledge? 

Give space to your feelings about what has happened. Create a list of the emotions you have or had about the event. Play with the words, drilling down into their meaning and possibly even their etymology. Ask yourself if there are better words to describe how you feel. Are the emotions equally weighted or do some feel more weighty or awkward to acknowledge? Talking to a therapist can help you to tease out why some emotions are more difficult to express or tolerate.

Be curious about how this experience has impacted your and your friend’s sense of self and the relationship. What deeper fears have been activated for you and your friend? How might your value as each other’s friend have been compromised?

Having done this preparatory work, and assuming you conclude that the friendship is worth the struggle, you can schedule a visit to your own Central Perk. You might extend the invite by saying, ‘I would like for us to have a coffee and a chat about what has happened to our friendship over the past month. I would like to hear your thoughts and then I would like to share mine.’

During the conversation, listen without judgment or defensiveness. Express your feelings and needs, using ‘I-statements’, such as ‘I felt hurt and surprised when you mentioned that I was rude and bossy at the girls’ night out. It was never my intention to come across that way.’ Using ‘I-statements’ can create a non-confrontational and empathetic atmosphere for the discussion.

This might not be a comfortable conversation but when you both decide to step into the box together, it is a commitment to the relationship. A relationship where you will know that the words, 'I’ll be there for you', ring true.

Take care.

• If you have a question for psychologist Caroline Martin, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie