Colman Noctor: What to do when your child wants to quit sport 

This seasonal struggle can also be seen in the lack of enthusiasm children show about taking part in sporting activities. Traditionally, most training for autumn and winter sporting activities is at night, which requires floodlights and the temperature drop means wearing a few more layers of clothes to keep warm. These conditions can result in children being less keen to go to training practice or participate in games, with some requesting to opt-out. Parents are left with the dilemma of balancing the benefits of participating in team sports and listening to what their child is saying.

Some children decide on a whim they don’t want to leave the comfort of their sofa and games console to head out onto a cold rainy pitch to run around doing drills. While acknowledging the child’s reluctance, most parents will insist they get their gear on and go. They believe their child will benefit from taking part in a sport and learning about teamwork and camaraderie and maybe develop a skillset along the way that will benefit them. Or, they have paid for sessions in advance and registered the child with the organisation and have invested in a full set of crested club kit and want to get their money’s worth out of that investment.

However, many parents do not want to force a child into a situation where they are unhappy. This dilemma is real and one which I’m repeatedly asked about. A child may suddenly be reluctant to participate in a sport they have been engaged in for some time for many reasons. Perhaps their interest has waned. Maybe they have grown out of the sport, they are bored, or they don’t enjoy it anymore. When this is the case, it seems unreasonable to force the child to go to training.

In other instances, the child may opt out because the sport cannot compete with the allure of the smartphone or gaming console, designed to attract and hold our attention. Most parents know this is not an optimal way for their child or teenager to spend their time, seeing physical activity and socialising with their peers in the offline world as more beneficial, and will insist on the young person going to their planned activity. Sometimes, being a good parent means being an unpopular parent.

Motivated by team spirit

One of the more challenging but crucial roles of parents is to instil longer-term value systems in our children. 

For example, most parents would like a child to develop a sense of responsibility as a team member. This means showing up, even when they don’t feel like it because they don’t want to let anyone down. This same principle extends to the workplace where our desire not to let our colleagues down motivates us on days when we feel under par. As parents, we hope to teach our children the mantra espoused by famous American football coach Vince Lombardi: “Individual commitment to a group effort — that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilisation work.”

How can you interpret your child’s reluctance to attend their extra-curricular activities? Are they choosing the easy option or are they genuinely struggling with an aspect of the activity?

Establishing the origins of their reluctance will determine what response is required.

Here’s what I’ve learned from working with children stressed and distressed about sport. Parents need to examine what changes, if any, have occurred in the activity the child is beginning to resist taking part in. For example, many children will experience a significant gear change from one age group to another. This can change around the age of 12 or 13 when the GAA and soccer seasons switch from a non-competitive format to a competitive one. Consequently, the activity’s atmosphere can change, with the ‘fun’ and ‘social’ elements being openly discouraged and commitment and competition taking priority. Many children understandably lose interest or desire to participate in these activities when this shift happens.

I have met many young people who left a particular sport due to its competitive nature. Usually, a change of coach or a shift in emphasis means the fun aspect has gone, and they no longer enjoy participating. Perhaps they were constantly called out on what they were doing wrong or not trying hard enough and decided ‘I have had enough’.

I cannot blame them. If a sport is not for you, you shouldn’t be made to take part in something that makes you feel bad about yourself. Unfortunately, the way our underage sporting structures are set up, there is no room for children who don’t share the values or commitment required for competitive sport, and so many give up on sport indefinitely.

I have long been critical of the lack of options for children or teens who want to play for fun. I am not an advocate for non-competition environments where everyone wins and everyone gets a prize. On the contrary, creating a pathway for competitive children is essential. The absence of an alternative is a problem and one I will continue to highlight until a children’s ‘five-a-side’ sports culture is created.

It is not only children who lack the elite competitive or commitment levels who are reluctant to go to sports as they get older. I have also met many talented young people who want to opt-out because of the pressure heaped upon them. Whether it comes from parents, coaches or even the wider community, it can have a devastating effect on the talented youngster who finds the pressure to perform and improve too much. In these circumstances, forcing the young person to go training and play matches is not an example of good parenting — it is evidence of a culture blinded by ambition.

 How does your child feel after a training session?

It is essential to take note of your child’s relationship with their sport before deciding whether the best course of action is insisting they continue or allowing them opt-out and look for an alternative activity.

If you are unsure, my advice is to observe your child’s demeanour after participating in the activity. This is far more likely to yield a clear insight into the origin of their refusal.

Let me explain why.

The hardest part of attending the gym is getting from the couch to the car. Motivation can dwindle as we contemplate leaving the warmth of our sofa to the colder and wetter alternative. However, after our workout, we feel better and are glad we went. The same process applies to young people. So, if your child is reluctant to go to an activity this autumn, insist they go and promise to review your decision after a few sessions. This shows robustness in your guidance but openness to hearing what they have to say.

When the training or game is over, stand by the pitch and watch your child’s behaviour. Are they smiling and chatting with pals or are they sad and upset? By observing from a distance, you are more likely to get an accurate insight into whether your child’s reluctance is something you should be guided by or not.

This simple intervention is a good barometer for measuring or interpreting whether your child is reluctant because they are struggling to get motivated or is desperately trying to tell you something you need to take heed of and respond to.

In short, make your judgement based on how they appear at the end of the activity instead of when they are expected to get ready to go.

Learning to decipher whether your child is unwilling to do something or unable will stand you in good stead throughout your parenting journey.

Being able to interpret what your child is saying will guide your response, be it a supportive arm around their shoulder and a listening ear or a gentle nudge in the right direction, teaching them the benefits of perseverance.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist