Sex File: Is living together a passion killer?

Mon, 06 Nov, 2023 - 07:46

Suzi Godson

My partner is moving in with me next month. We've only been together for a year, so things are still hot in the bedroom, but this is not my first rodeo and I know desire can easily fade when domesticity and arguments about the bins set in. Are there any good rules we can set ourselves from the start?

Moving in with someone is an opportunity to spend more time together and to have a lot more hot sex, but it can also reveal the less attractive aspects of your personality, and that's where couples can come a cropper. Anyone can put their best foot forward on a date, but when you are sharing a bedroom you get to smell their socks.

As you point out, the decision to live together is generally made when the rose-tinted glasses are still steamed up, but one of the problems with cohabitation is that it shrinks the physical space between you. That provides cosy security, but it also rapidly robs a relationship of mystery. There will, inevitably, be things that you can never unsee or unhear. It won't be a problem in the early days, but in the long term keeping the lust alive is about not losing your 'self' in the relationship, continuing to respect each other as individuals and being responsive to each other's needs.

When psychology professor Gurit Birnbaum asked 100 couples to keep a diary of changes that increased sexual activity in their relationships, she found that levels of sexual desire increased significantly when partners made each other 'feel special'. Feeling that their partner understood them and was genuinely interested in supporting them created a foundation of intimacy that led to a satisfying sexual relationship.

How do you make someone feel special every day? Take a genuine interest in them and in what they have done that day. That doesn't sound remarkable, but you would be amazed at how many couples forget to ask each other how their day was or how they are feeling. Forget date nights and sex toys; it really is the smallest of things that fuel sexual intimacy.

Even if you've been burnt before, the good news is that if you can get through the first five years, you cut the risk of this relationship failing by 50%. Michael Rosenfeld, a sociologist at Stanford University, has been conducting a longitudinal study of the romantic trajectories of more than 3,000 people since 2009 and he has found that the longer a couple stay together, the less likely it is that their relationship will end; the risk falls by roughly ten percentage points each year for the first five years, which is impressive. The more you invest in your relationship, the less likely you are to give up on it. However, no matter how hard you try to avoid conflict, living together will create some. And although sex can be an effective salve when things get tetchy, it will never do the heavy lifting. If you are not getting on in the kitchen, you are unlikely to be getting on in the bedroom either.

Domestic equity is fundamental, but rules often cause more problems than they solve. Initially, I think you are better off playing to your strengths and discovering what you both delight in. It may transpire that one of you loves cooking and shopping, the other may enjoy sorting the recycling, folding the laundry or precision-stacking the dishwasher. Celebrate what works, rather than nagging each other about what does not, and have an honest conversation about how you can divvy up the tasks that don't appeal to either of you. Find ways to make the tough stuff fun and the fun stuff will be frequent.