Joanna Fortune: My child is being excluded by their peers

Tue, 31 Oct, 2023 - 02:00

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Child psychotherapist

My 11-year-old daughter has been to three different schools and her peers have excluded her each time. She has suffered from anxiety as a result. She is quiet and friendly, and I don't know what to do. She is also clever and good at sport and music.

Three different schools during primary education is a lot of change, interruptions to peer dynamics, and being the 'new kid' in class. This level of disruption in and of itself can cause difficulties in making and sustaining peer relationships.

I am not clear if she has moved school so often because of the peer struggles or if she is having peer struggles because she has moved school so often but I will try to approach your question to cover both scenarios.

When our children struggle, it can be tempting to jump in and rescue them and seek to fix whatever problem they might be experiencing. It's an innate parenting instinct. However, if we keep rescuing our children from every struggle or challenge, they will not develop skills to master tension-rousing experiences or negotiate the repair of ruptures that can occur with friends.

If she has a pattern of peer struggles, the answer may not be to keep moving her school but to work with her and the school to resolve the difficulties in her best interests.

I suggest you link in with her school and seek their support and insights from observing your daughter in class with her peer group. Her teacher might be able to place her beside compatible children or assign collaborative work whereby she would be working closely with others on a shared goal.

Perhaps you could ask who among her classmates she would like to spend time with outside of school and arrange a playdate with the child to start and maybe build up to two others.

You don't mention friendships outside of school, but I suggest that you invest in these too. This may be with children in your home area or with children at extra-curricular activities with whom she has a shared interest.

Regardless of the reasons for the school moves, she has had a lot of disruption and challenging experiences across her primary schooling. It may be a good idea to offer her a supportive space to process and work through the anxiety you mention before she transitions to secondary school, which will be another change of environment with new peers. Your GP can refer you to public child and adolescent mental health services or recommend a qualified private practitioner.