Dear Dáithí: My friend uses too much botox - should I tell her?

I mean, I’m all for self-care and keeping yourself looking your best but we’re nearly thinking of having an intervention for her. 

The girls (we are in our 30s Daithi, but we’ll always be “the girls”!) met up there for a night away for her birthday and my god, we were a bit shocked at the changes since the last time we saw her. 

Out of six of us, four of us, including myself, would have had it done at one stage, I actually got it done first for my 25th birthday, just so you know I’m not preaching for the all-natural look.

But our friend doesn’t even look like herself anymore. She went through a bad break-up last year and we know she’s had a tough time getting used to the dating scene again. 

When we were away for her night she spent literally hours getting ready (and the gang of us love our glam now but this was next level) and honestly, in the photos, she looks like a stranger. 

We’re afraid she’s spending all her money on it and getting it done way too often. Should we say it to her and risk hurting her feelings?

Botox has been around for a long time but has only come to my attention in recent years. 

Before it was usually women in their 40s or 50s straightening out a few lines. Well, that was the perception anyway from the outside looking in. 

Men too might have had it done and if so, they kept it very quiet. It probably wasn’t seen as the manly thing to do. Roll on a few years and it seems that everyone is at it, men, women and everyone in between! 

It seems that people now treat it like going to get their hair done on a regular basis. Is this a good or bad thing? That’s not for me to say.

What really stands out to me when it comes to Botox is the amount of young people having it done. Young men and women in their 20s. I asked myself what is this all about because they don’t have ‘the lines’ that older people have, and it seems after talking to people that it’s a certain look they’re going for. 

We are used to people going for a ‘Rachel from Friends’ hairdo or whatever the cool one these days is, but this is definitely on another level.

I can see why you’re worried about your friend here as this change is coming in the aftermath of a break-up with her boyfriend. 

It does seem like your friend is going through a tough time, even though she has been gone from her ex for over a year, it still takes time to heal. 

A new dating scene can be tough, especially if you haven’t had to be in that scenario in a while, but this change does seem to be a little extreme. 

As you say you all love the glam, but the next level is even very noticeable to her closest friends. So, what do you do?

From your letter, it all seems to stem from this break-up. Often what we see on the outside of someone is often a reflection of what is happening on the inside. 

A heartbreak can look like many different things, or on the other side of this, it could be your friend trying to reinvent herself and getting a bit lost on the way.

I would ask about the break-up and really see of this is causing the problem. You know her well and will know from her reaction where the truth lies. 

You mention the word ‘intervention’, and it is a strong word and the action even stronger. 

You took the time to write this to me so maybe you should approach this with her alone. What we don’t want her to think is that her gang are ganging up on her.

I would stay away from words like ‘why’ as in ‘why you are getting all this done?’ when chatting to her about it. Why can be negative and lead you to a negative place. 

I’d ask her how she has been doing how she has found the new dating scene. These hows, with no judgement in your questions, can achieve a lot more and the questions are open and allows her to open up.

You are worried that she might be addicted to botox and any type of addiction is very serious and should be dealt with accordingly. 

One thing about addiction is that for the person in the middle of it can’t really see what’s happening. They can be blinded by it, whatever the addiction. 

If you still have concern after talking to her about it, you might need to seek another level of help.

You ask will this hurt her feelings? It’s back to the old one of breaking eggs to make an omelette. You could well hurt her feelings, but if it is an addiction and she is spending a lot of money on it, and she can’t see this for herself, you might have to! 

You must be a true friend here. I’m not sure this will sort itself out without help. 

If you don’t say something and sit on your hand you might be kicking yourself in a few years when the penny does drop with your friend and when she turns around and says ‘Why didn’t anyone tell me!’

An old man told me one time that too much of anything isn’t good for you no matter what it is. Moderation is the key he said. Moderation even when it comes to moderation! Those words have always stayed with me.

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