One-child families: The joy and the challenge of raising an only child

Why is ‘one-and-done’ parenting growing globally?

There are a few reasons: People may be having children later in life, they’re focused on their careers, they’re experiencing financial pressures, they have health or fertility issues, they’re concerned about the environmental impact. 

Or, and here’s the one that many people still find difficult to wrap their heads around, they are happy with just one child.

I love being the mom of an only child. Now. When I and my husband first got married, we had notions of three or four children. But life didn’t work out that way. 

After a long struggle with infertility, when we had almost resigned ourselves to not having any children, we had our daughter. She was so unlikely — the odds were higher that we would win the Euromillions — that having another simply didn’t come into it.

So here we are, raising an only child. Is it different from raising multiple children? Of course, it is. Let’s face it, it’s a lighter workload than getting three children to and from anywhere. 

As I walk my daughter to school in the morning, I pass other moms, with two and three children, some in buggies, some on scooters, some running ahead with their friends. 

Just having sight of all of your children at any given time is nigh on impossible.

With just one child we can focus on our daughter completely. We don’t need to split our attention. That is one of the main benefits of being an only child, says Dr Mary O’Kane, lecturer in psychology and education, and author of Perfectly Imperfect Parenting: Connection Not Perfection. 

“Only children usually get to spend more quality time with parents, getting their undivided attention, than children from larger families. We know the importance for every child of having at least one good adult in their lives, someone who believes in them and is happy to devote their time and attention to them. So, having the caring attention of the adults in their lives is a good thing — the goal is to make sure we schedule one-on-one time with our child where our focus is on them.” 

Being a present parent is something that Alison Canavan, speaker, coach, and former supermodel, is focused on. Mom of a teenage boy, Alison believes that her time is the single most important thing she can give her son. 

“I grew up in a house of five girls. There was lots of energy and lots of chaos. In that environment, of course, I didn’t have my parents’ full attention. I think it’s a privileged position to be able to focus on just one child. I’m also conscious of the opportunities and experiences I can give him as an only child. I regularly take James with me when I travel for work trips, something I wouldn’t be able to do if I had even two kids.” 

Certainly, travelling with one child is logistically easier than going on holidays with multiple children, and it’s less expensive, too. At five years old, our daughter is what we call extremely portable. Travelling with her is a joy. On the flip side, we do have to put in a lot of time and effort on holidays to keep her occupied; she doesn’t have the instant companions of siblings to entertain her.

That lack of siblings can mean that only children may lack the ability to resolve or even experience conflict. 

With my daughter, I do notice the lack of that undeniable life skill, but regularly organise playdates and spend time with cousins, who can often take the place of siblings.

A singular task

Ms Canavan, a single mom, is also conscious of creating a strong community around herself and James. 

“Surrounding yourself with a good community of people makes all the difference.” Playdates are a must for parents of only children. 

Dr O’Kane: “Only children are not exposed to the same rough and tumble of ‘messy’ sibling relationships that can help develop so many skills. But this is easily resolved if you make sure that your child is mixing with peers. Orchestrating play dates when they are younger can be helpful. Mixing with cousins and friends locally, and encouraging them to join extracurricular activities where they are meeting new friends and mixing with different age groups, can also help with social skills.”

But while they may lack conflict-resolution skills, only children are generally comfortable on their own. Both James and my own daughter are content in their own company. 

Perhaps this is a trait in only children; in the absence of siblings, they are more used to playing on their own, and being independent.

“James is content to do things on his own. He is very social, has a circle of friends, but also likes the time to himself,” says Ms Canavan.

Likewise, my daughter is comfortable on her own. She is happy playing with her toys, and I often hear her role-playing little arguments with her dolls. These mock arguments always seem to be resolved quite quickly, which gives me confidence that she is at least learning some necessary life skills. In no way does she ever appear lonely, although this is one of my main worries for her.

Stereotypes indicate that only children are lonely, but Dr O’Kane is quick to dispel that belief. “Studies suggest that only children are not necessarily lonely. You can be an only child and feel extremely connected to parents, relatives, and friends. In fact, research suggests that only-child families can have stronger parent-child relationships, which compensate for the lack of sibling interaction. The old-fashioned stereotypes of only children being spoiled and lonely are not true in society today.”

As a parent of an only child, watching my daughter make her way through life is bittersweet. Every milestone is the only time we’ll have that milestone. So we are careful never to take these steps for granted. As Ms Canavan’s son James grows up, she says she is more conscious than ever of time shifting and moving on. But she is confident in the connection and open communication they have formed over the years.

The grass is always greener as they say. And while parents of multiple children may say “sure, ye’re grand, ye have only the one”, there are things that parents of only children can feel strongly. 

“Sometimes parents of only children will feel an added guilt that they have not given their child siblings. Even though we know it is not necessarily true, they might wonder if their child is missing out. They may also worry in the future that they are putting a burden of care on their only child.” 

Whether you’re raising one child or three, there are joys and challenges. Some of these are the same, and some are different. At the end of the day, it’s about giving your child love and a strong foundation. And that doesn’t change if you have one child or many children.