Dear Dáithí: My friend won’t pay her way – I’m sick of it

We take turns picking the place and it’s a real treat for us, catching up, having the fun you can really only have with girls who’ve known you all your life. 

We were all in primary school together and have always been there for each other.

The problem is one of the girls has become very, shall we say, ‘careful’ with her money in the last couple of years. When it comes to her choosing the place, it’s the cheapest possible venue. 

She has been grumbling about the tips we leave, and one time recently, she forgot her wallet, and said she’d Revolut the money when she got home, but she never did. 

I wanted to point out that she could Revolut there and then, but my other friend elbowed me to be quiet.

Another time, last summer, she wasn’t drinking and insisted we do the drinks tab separately, but she ordered a starter and dessert which no one else did. It’s starting to really bug me and it’s taking the enjoyment out of it.

She is one of the funniest, kindest people I know and great company otherwise. It seems to coincide with her moving in with her partner, who happens to be an accountant.

She told one of our friends he makes a spreadsheet of their monthly spending. Should I confront her? I don’t want to break up the group.

She also gave me a birthday present this year, which I know for a fact was regifted. It didn’t even have the tag on it. I spent a small fortune on her. 

I feel she’s taking advantage of us. My friends aren’t bothered about it. What should I do?

I REALLY like that idea of catching up with friends from school or college and meeting up with them on a yearly basis. I know I’ve a group of friends who do this and it’s an open invitation, but I’ve yet to make a night with them, it's tough with work and everything else life throws at you.

We’re all in the same boat. So, the fact ye meet is great, there is obviously a strong bond between ye, even though cracks are appearing.

Cracks can be repaired.

In the beginning of your letter, I felt bad for your friend as it was coming across that this person didn’t have the same disposable money as the rest of the gang, and that can be a tough place to be, and sometimes people can feel outside the group because of this.

The fact that she picked the ‘cheapest possible venue’ wouldn’t bother me at all. You meet up for the people and the craic. I’ve often been in an expensive place and the people there were up their own arses and no craic. Give me the dirty corner snug any day.

We have all forgotten our wallets, but there does seem to be a question mark over this night out. I’d imagine if she didn’t have the money she would have just stayed at home, what do you think?

Or has she turned into a cheapskate? I’ll always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Your other friend was right not to point out that she could have Revoluted the money straight away. We don’t know what the real story is here, there might be things happening in the background. To deal with this on a one-to-one basis is better.

She hasn’t paid this money back though and you should say it to her. She might have just forgotten about it, even though with an accountant in the house, I doubt it.

You need to speak to her about it either way as this won’t go away on its own. I would approach it directly.

People can be strange when it comes to drink tabs in pubs especially when you’re not drinking. To be fair how many sparkling waters can anyone drink on a night out? 

And yes, she did have a starter and nobody else did. Maybe I’m being a pain in the hole here, but maybe one of ye should have offered to pay for the drinks? 

I think that’s a nice thing to do, it happened in my company one night and I often thought about it, it was a class move by one of the people who was on the wine and not on the whine.

As the saying goes, friends are friends until one of them starts going out with an accountant. That’s an ancient saying from the 5th century Annals of the Four Masters... only joking, I just made it up! 

The accountant in this case does seem to have the finger pointed at him.

They just moved in together, so things have moved up a gear, a big gear. They are probably very excited as their next move might be to buy a house or even to get married. 

This might be one reason why she’s ‘very careful with her money’.

Now if this is the case I can certainly see where she’s coming from. The spreadsheet might send a flare up in the air that this person might be controlling and if that’s the case she needs to do something about it. That’s a very serious situation.

You need to be a friend here and ask her straight out about this. If you’re not happy with her answers stick with it until you are.

Now on the other hand people need help budgeting. We see it all the time when people are trying to save for something big, it might be as simple as that.

You need to get over the regifting thing. We have all done it. You regift to two types of people, people you dislike and people who are close to you. You are the latter, let it go — it’s a thing of nothing.

The rest of the gang don’t seem to care about all of this which is fine, but you still have a right to be ticked with this situation and have the right to a few answers. Ask and when answered you’ll walk around with a lighter step.

Now the most important thing of all this is your friend, she is ‘one of the funniest, kind people you know and is great company’. I wish my friends spoke about me like that.

People and groups change over time and sometimes we don’t like change, I certainly don’t, but if we don’t move with the times we will come out on the losing side, and we definitely don’t want that.

Repair the cracks.

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