Talk To Me: My daughter has decided to make France her home  

We’ve always been close and I’d hoped to be close to her children (my grandchildren) too. 

I try to be upbeat when she chats on the phone about her plans for an Irish wedding but the truth is my heart is broken.

Animated movies are often presented as children’s entertainment but some of the best productions seem to be aimed at the parents who sit alongside their children in the cinema.

Finding Nemo is one of those movies that challenges parents not to let their anxieties get in the way of their children’s life’s journey. 

The title character and clownfish Nemo ends up in a fish tank with an adventurous fish named Gill, who believes that ‘fish aren’t made to be in a box.’ But Nemo’s dad Marlin sees the ocean as a life-threatening place.

You may have imagined that your relationship with your daughter would continue to flourish within the geographical boundary of our beautiful country. 

Your heart is broken at the idea of her having a life beyond this ‘box’. It requires great courage to let go of your assumptions and your hopes. A heart that has broken open can have greater capacity for new hopes, new curiosity and renewed enthusiasm.

To be part of this new story, you need to show up for your daughter, your relationship with her and her new family. Just like Marlin, you too may need to go on an epic journey of reflection for this to happen.

Your feelings of happiness for your daughter and your sadness about her living far away are entirely valid. It’s natural to feel joy and grief simultaneously, though it can be difficult and exhausting. 

Being able to tolerate these emotions is part of the process of adapting to this new reality. It can be beneficial to have an ally who will encourage you to ‘just keep swimming’. 

Consider how you might lean on your support network, whether friends, family or a registered therapist.

Like Nemo’s dad, you too may have a life story that leaves you wary of your daughter building a life far from you. Take time to reflect on how your current responses may be informed by previous events and the narratives you may have internalised subsequently.

Take time to reflect on how your current responses may be informed by previous events and the narratives you may have internalised subsequently.

It is also possible that you are at a point in your life when you are taking care of an elderly parent. Your daughter’s move to France may cause you some worry about your own care later in life. Her choices are perhaps churning up personal fears.

Working with a therapist will help you to tease out what underlies your sadness. By exploring your reactions, you can better understand your emotional landscape and take steps towards personal growth and healing.

It is crucial to maintain open and non-judgmental communication with your daughter. Express your love for her and your happiness for her loving relationship and upcoming wedding. If you have specific concerns, share them and listen to her perspective. Communication can help to strengthen your emotional bond and provide clarity about her plans.

Remain curious about her decision to stay in France - her reasons may relate to career opportunities, housing or a sense of adventure. Understanding her point of view can help you empathise with her and also give you a sense of how these reasons may change over time and with the addition of children.

As she builds her life in France, be open to how the new fabric of her life gets interwoven with yours and a new future can be envisaged and even hoped for. Explore opportunities for shared experiences that can strengthen your bond as mother and adult daughter. You may discover that activities you enjoy are best completed in her new home town.

Just as Marlin ventured into unknown waters to find his son, consider spending extended periods in France. This may organically arise if there are grandchildren. Frequent visits can also provide a deeper understanding of your daughter’s new life and may strengthen the connection between her Irish home and her French home.

Their wedding is an opportunity to celebrate your daughter’s Irish connection. You may wish to invite your future son-in-law’s French family and friends to be active participants in the preparation so that they can develop a deeper understanding of her roots.

As your daughter matures, she is rightly seeking independence and building her own life. 

It is essential to respect her boundaries and support her autonomy, even if it means living in a different country. While she may be physically distant, knowing that she has a loving home to return to is very reassuring.

Our bonds with our children naturally evolve as we get older. The heartache you feel now may be creating the capacity for even greater love. In the meantime, just keep swimming.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline Martin, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie