Colman Noctor: Everything you need to know about raising teenage boys

Their sons now seem allergic to the most innocuous embrace and struggle to give one-sentence answers about how their day was in school. 

Their child has gone from a warm and engaging to a hormonal, unapproachable grump overnight.

Their lack of communication can be confusing because teenage boys don’t seem lost for words when discussing sports or gaming with their friends.

 So, refusing to engage with their parents can be interpreted as a wilful protest or defiance.

While the depth of language about their interests seems impressive, their lexicon of terms for the emotional journey of adolescence is a different story. 

Most teenage boys struggle to articulate even the most basic emotional experiences.

Despite multiple well-being classes and discussions around the importance of feelings in schools, many boys struggle when asked to describe their emotions.

Teenage girls are often the opposite, talking about their emotional world at length and in-depth.

The internal processes that lead to teenage boys’ minimalist communication are layered and complex.

The onset of their adolescent years is rapid and can take parents by surprise.

One day, they are playing hide and seek and having great fun, and the next, they describe anyone who enjoys this game as a loser.

Games that were previously enjoyed are now spoken about in disparaging terms, in a 360-degree adjustment. 

While they may privately still enjoy Lego or movie night with their parents, they are being told by more advanced peers that they shouldn’t. 

They become hyper-sensitive to anything that could be considered “babyish”. God forbid their peer group discovers they still play with Lego or more recently Roblox, as the social ramifications could be severe.

While we tend to focus on girls when discussing teen social pressures, the same is true for boys, but they talk about it less. 

The “banter-type” communication style means they need thick skin to survive being a teenage boy.

This teasing is not new.

Nearly everyone in my year in secondary school had a nickname or embarrassing association. 

From “Fat Head” (he had a perfectly normal-sized head) to “Bagsie” (he brought his PE gear in a Quinsworth bag once in first year) and “Bambi” (he was deemed to have skinny legs). 

I was known as “Bogger”, a derogatory term to describe someone from a rural background. 

Any frailty or deficit or point of difference was potential ammunition that could be used against you.

Hypervigilant around peers

Being a teenage boy means being hypervigilant around your peers. 

While you will not want to be associated with some well-worn identities, like a “nerd” or a “swot”, behaving in any way soft or emotional is also a perceived weakness.

My son started secondary school in September and when I asked how he was getting on, he replied: “I am fine, I am keeping my head down”. When I asked why, he explained he was trying to blend in and not stand out.

While there was something sad about his response, there was also something impressively savvy.

He has initially chosen to “fit in”; hopefully, as friendships develop, he will feel a sense of belonging.

Maintaining a persona of being “cool enough” to fit in and concealing aspects of yourself that could be interpreted as immature is not easy.

Like teenage girls, they too endure the exhausting social process of being accepted and finding a way to connect and maintain relationships with their peers.

Also, mental health presentations typically associated with girls are becoming more prominent among teenage boys. 

In my clinical work, I have witnessed a growing number of boys presenting with eating disorders and self-harm, which would have been traditionally associated with girls.

Manipulative social exclusion is also being reported from boys with regularity.

Given the hormonal surges, pressure to fit in and the vigilance required to maintain a mature persona, it is not surprising that teenage boys might be irritable.

They may not want to engage in deep and meaningful conversations about this struggle because, like a method actor, this could compromise the persona they are trying to develop.

The teenage boy is also attempting to find his identity, and to do this he may need to remove himself from all reminders of his past “babyish” self. 

This might involve treating his parents as dinosaurs who know nothing about his new identity, leading to overreactions to any advice or suggestions.

Despite masquerading as mature, they still need their parents to fund them and take them to their activities, which can leave them angry.

A five-year Dutch longitudinal study in the Journal of Child Development (2015) found that mood swings are most volatile in early adolescence and tend to stabilise as teens age. 

During the early teen years, the cognitive control systems lag behind emotional development, making it hard for adolescents to cope with emotions.

One of the study’s authors, Prof Hans Koot, from Virije University in Amsterdam, commented that along with the biological factors, much change happens during adolescence, including the start of secondary school, repeated arguments with parents, and first loves and breakups.

The study also found that while the female participants reported experiencing greater happiness and sadness variability, the rate of change across adolescence was similar for both sexes, suggesting despite their lack of verbalisation, the challenges of adolescence were as significant for boys as girls.

A subtle approach

While teenage girls might relish deep discussions about the turbulence of the biological chaos and extensive social pressures inherent in adolescent development, the best approach with boys is more subtle.

Allow your teenage boy to try on their new identities and remain available if they need you. It may be best not to question them. 

While girls might interpret your questions as support, boys are more likely to interpret them as an interrogation.

So, instead of asking questions, remind them of your presence and care without demanding them to engage.

Allow for some degree of moodiness that is developmentally appropriate but does not mean misbehaving or ignoring family rules.

You can acknowledge their distress without condoning their behaviour. If the behaviour seems to exceed normal teenage moodiness, additional psychological support may be required.

The teenage years are an intense developmental stage, which parents must carefully negotiate. Accept that your son will change and become distant. This is not a slight on you — instead, it is a developmental step he needs to take.

While allowing them space and privacy, you can still be there for your child.

It may appear that they do not want your input, and when with peers laugh off every insult and “be cool” no matter what happens. But it is probably their attempt to fit in and not a sign that they don’t need your support.

“Having their back” is an excellent term to describe how to parent a teenage boy.

This approach involves offering quiet support and allowing them to come to you when needed instead of expecting them to communicate with you on demand. 

When most boys enter adulthood, they return in a way that will make the years of patience worthwhile.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist