How to tell if your child is being bullied - and what to do

“Bullying is usually regarded as repeated, intentional, negative or aggressive acts by one person against another,” says Professor James O’Higgins Norman, Unesco Chair on Bullying and Cyberbullying and director of the Anti-Bullying Centre.

Conflict, a normal part of life and of growing up, can sometimes be confused with bullying, but O’Higgins Norman says there are essential differences. “Two children of equal power, involved in a conflict, with no intention to be mean and it’s a once-off incident, is not bullying.”

A bullying situation usually involves a power difference between the person bullying and the one being bullied. “Traditionally it was bigger size, but it can be one person experiencing themselves as smarter, more popular than the other,” he says.

Children in minority groups — for example, because of ethnicity or sexual orientation, or because they have special needs or are in a different socio-economic group — can all be vulnerable, he says. “People in these situations experience less agency, less power, so there can be a platform for bullying to happen.”

Cork mother, Mary (name changed), whose son endured bullying in primary and secondary school, says the bullies honed in on the fact that he wasn’t “a lad’s lad”. As a result, her son believed the bullying was his fault.

“He felt he wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t sporty or into sport and because he wasn’t, he was made to feel different.”

O’Higgins Norman says the most common form of bullying in schools is name-calling and exclusion.

“These behaviours can transmit to online forums, on social media or most likely in group messaging. Bullying and cyberbullying aren’t really separate anymore. It can start offline and move online, or vice versa.”

Signs to look out for

New data from Amárach Research shows over 70% of five- to eight-year-olds have access to a smartphone — and four out of five children aged 11+ have significant amounts of unsupervised internet time, including in their bedrooms. 

But when bullying is online, it becomes amplified, says Fiona O’Malley, CEO of Turn2Me.

“It follows young people home. When content is shared online, children and teenagers can feel ridiculed, humiliated, and worried about the content being dispersed to a wider audience. We hear about young people bullied by their own friends — this seems to be particularly prevalent in all-girls schools.”

While bullying can happen through primary school, O’Higgins Norman says it tends to intensify and increase in the older classes. “We see increased levels in fourth, fifth, and sixth classes. Children are beginning to look for their identity away from their parents and more towards their peer group. We used to see this [starting to happen] in post-primary, but children in older primary classes are more like teens now, in terms of forming their identity and what they’re dealing with.”

Two years ago, the Anti-Bullying Centre pointed out that 65% of students who are being bullied do not tell an adult about it. So what stops them divulging it? 

“Children have an innate need to protect parents and the people who care for them, and they keep it to themselves for as long as they can,” says O’Higgins Norman.

Chartered psychologist Jenny Ryan, who has a specialisation in bullying and aggression in young people, is trained in bullying intervention. 

She says children can feel ashamed — or scared their parents will “plough in” and make things worse. “They don’t believe anybody can help them, they think this is part-and-parcel of going to school. And the fear of telling tales has never gone away, the idea that ‘you can’t be a snitch’. Children are also scared their phones will be taken away.”

So if kids don’t talk, how can parents know what’s going on? Mary — whose son is now “flourishing and out the other side” — believes parents need education to spot signs of bullying. “He hid it from us but there had been warning signs,” she recalls.

Ryan says children who are being bullied can “power up” or “power down” in out-of-character ways. “If a child becomes sad, quieter, withdrawn, isn’t really talking, that can be a flag. Quietness is a power-down position, whereas aggression is a power-up one — the child is looking for a power position in the home, for example, answering back a lot, being cruel to family pets, being aggressive to siblings or to mum and dad.”

Other signs include missing possessions, or giving up activities they used to love. And while tummy pains can be a sign of other things, it can also be a red flag for bullying, says Ryan. “A child who’s being bullied and not talking about it will hold fear in their gut.”

Additionally in secondary school, parents might see reluctance to go to school on certain days, so as to diminish contact with the bully. “Or they might change how they go to school — they’ve always walked or cycled but now want a lift, they’ve always taken the bus and are now refusing.”

While asking too many direct questions may only result in your child retreating further, it is crucial to ask questions that will help you gain insight into their world, says Ryan. 

“Perhaps ask a question like ‘On a scale of one to five, how was your day?’ If after a few days, it’s coming in around one, create a little crack in the door — ‘I don’t think things are going well at school. You know you can come and talk to me, whenever that might be…’”

Parent-teacher collaboration

Children who are being bullied at school feel completely powerless, and Ryan says it is essential to give them a sense of agency. “It’s really important that parents give them that sense of power — that they decide when to talk.”

Keeping lines of communication open is vital, says O’Higgins Norman — without being too nosy/interfering too much in the child’s personal life. 

“Ask them general questions about their day to get a sense of their relationships at school — who were they talking to today? What are they like? Are they your friend?”

But if your child is not talking, yet you feel something is up, it can be useful to flag it quietly with the teacher, says Ryan. Schools have a duty of care and if something’s flagged they need to keep a watchful eye on it.

“Schools can do simple things without jumping in. Through covert observation, they might see that when the child answers a question, the class sniggers or nudges each other, or that he waits to go to the yard to play until everyone else has gone out.”

O’Higgins Norman highlights the importance of parent-teacher collaboration in bullying situations — and it is imperative if bullying is going on, to take action to make the child safe. “This has to be done in a way that maintains the child’s agency, so the child doesn’t feel they’re losing control of the situation. Because a child’s biggest fear is that it will all get worse.

“The child must be reassured that the parent and teacher are in charge and that they will deal with the situation in the best way possible and won’t make it worse.”

Parents need to be able to rely on schools, says O’Higgins Norman — but they also need to understand that schools have a duty of care to all children, including the ones behaving negatively. “That child needs to be supported in how to behave in a more positive way.”

It is not an easy situation for anyone, he says. “It will be uncomfortable for all to find a resolution. Once that resolution is found, things can move on.”

• Support groups for parents concerned about their child being bullied are at 7pm on that last Wednesday of October and November – register on turn2me.ie.
• See antibullyingcentre.ie.