Sex File: My partner wants me to initiate sex more often

Mon, 16 Oct, 2023 - 08:53

Suzi Godon

My partner and I had a discussion recently about him wanting me to initiate sex more often. This escalated into an argument in which he claimed I've always been selfish in bed, expecting him to do most of the work. He's always had a higher libido than me, but I really thought we were on the same page. How do we handle this?

The initiation pattern you describe is not particularly unusual. In 2001 psychologist Roy Baumeister and his team carried out a meta-analysis of 150 studies which explored whether there really was a gender difference in sex drive. The research confirmed that men think about sex more often, experience more arousal, have more frequent and varied fantasies, desire sex more often, masturbate more, initiate more and refuse less sex, and rate their sex drives as stronger than women.

So there you have it, and your reticence is not selfish or lazy. It simply reflects a pattern of behaviour that has emerged through the course of your relationship.

Your partner may well be correct when he says that you don't initiate enough, but it is equally true that he has never made it clear to you that he wanted you to. To move beyond this, you both need to accept that you could have done things differently and that you are willing to change. You may feel a little indignant at his accusations but actually his somewhat clumsy bid for greater equity is a good thing because research shows that couples who take turns initiating sex experience greater relationship satisfaction.

A study by Prof Susan Sprecher at Illinois State University, which investigated the relationship between gender and initiation in 38 couples, revealed that in 60% of the relationships, the male initiated sex more often. In 10% the female initiated more often, and only 30% of the couples initiated sex equally. Although it was a small sample, Sprecher tracked the couples for four years and at the end of the study, while their initiation patterns hadn't changed, the couples who reported equal initiation also reported greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Sprecher identified two main reasons for this: first, the partner who initiates sex can be confident that their partner won't reject their advances, and second, the responding partner gets confirmation that they are sexually desirable.

Women assume that men don't need this reassurance, but they do - just as much as women do, in fact - so talk to your partner. It may turn out that he is feeling insecure about your commitment to him, and he has picked up on the fact that you don't initiate sex as a way of voicing how he feels and what he wants from you. If you get to the point where he expresses vulnerability, any defensiveness that you feel will evaporate instantly.

For you, initiating sex might feel a little odd at first, but you should give it a go. Taking turns gives you both the chance to experience feeling desired, and this in turn will strengthen your trust and deepen intimacy.