Talk To Me: I've had enough of being the 'bank of mum'

On a few occasions, he has asked me for a loan to tide him over and was slow to pay it back. 

I don’t want him to get a bad credit rating but I’m tired of being the ‘bank of mum’.

Despite many of us citing finances as a source of stress, few of us reflect on our relationship with money and take steps to increase our financial literacy. The irony is not lost on me that our Government announced the budget on World Mental Health Day.

We wouldn’t dream of sending our children into the world without knowing the basics of healthy living. 

Nowadays, many children are also taught emotional literacy understanding; how to manage friendships, communicate, and be resilient. However, many are not taught how to budget, save, or understand interest rates and fees.

A study published in 2022 found that financial worries are significantly associated with psychological distress. This same study found that increased financial literacy enhanced confidence and decision-making capability.

Understandably, you want to save your son from pain. It is instinctive. This is why, when you board a plane, the flight attendants instruct parents and carers to put on their own oxygen masks first. This advice applies to your situation too.

You need an accurate read of your financial status before you have an honest conversation with your son.

This will require you to consider your current situation, your financial needs in retirement, and your emotional connection with money. You may have an abundance mindset, believing that there is plenty of money for everyone, or you may see resources as being limited. 

Take time to consider the messages you grew up with in relation to money and how these impact your stress and wellbeing.

Our relationship with money is informed by our family history and societal contexts such as recessions.

Children who grow up during a recession can have a different perspective and behave differently with money compared to those who grow up during an economic boom. 

This relationship can be all the more complex if our children are not faring as well in the ebb and flow of economic cycles.

If you believe you are sitting on a nest egg while your son is grappling with the rental crisis and increased costs of living, it can be tempting, if not instinctive, to start a pattern of opening the ‘bank of mum’ whenever a whiff of financial hardship presents itself.

Perhaps an initial catalyst brought about this recurring behaviour, such as needing a deposit for a rental. Now, the routine has taken hold and reinforces an unhelpful level of financial dependence.

While your son may not have asked for a large lump sum, the cumulative amount may be adding up and potentially impacting your financial security in retirement. 

I would advise you to arrange an appointment with an independent financial adviser who can give you a clear understanding of your current and projected financial commitments. You can then, with greater confidence, determine to what extent you can support your son.

Tell him you are getting financial advice and that adjustments may need to be made. 

It is crucial he sees you being proactive with your finances as this contrasts with his own actions. 

A financial adviser will also help you devise a plan to reduce your financial support over time. 

After all, you want to avoid a family version of the Lehman Bank collapse, the psychological toll of which is still being felt.

Include your son as much as you are comfortable with, and take time to explain what the various terms mean. 

The world of finance is full of jargon, so many of us feel overwhelmed and intimidated. Take this opportunity to demystify budgeting and investing.

Encourage your son to schedule an appointment with an independent financial adviser. 

He should choose someone he feels comfortable with, as a good relationship will be more conducive to him becoming more financially literate.

Improving his financial literacy will increase his sense of agency and independence, improving his overall wellbeing.

In the week of ‘A Cost of Living Budget’, there may be no better time and context to have this conversation. In fact, the cost of not having it may extend beyond his and your bank balance.

• If you have a question for psychologist Caroline Martin, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie