Jada Pinkett and Will Smith's separation: Why all the secrecy?
Jada Pinkett Smith has been promoting her new memoir, Worthy.
They’d always billed their relationship as unconventional, but the clutching of pearls after Jada Pinkett Smith revealed she’d been separated from husband Will Smith for seven years says a lot about how society still views the end of a marriage.
By all accounts, the union between the star and actress Jada Pinkett Smith has been an on-again-off-again saga. Recurring patterns of talking in the media about their rifts and subsequent reconciliations has been a feature of their marriage since 1997.
Pinkett Smith revealed in recent years that she never intended to marry anyone. But the day after Smith proposed to her and she accepted, she found out she was pregnant with their first child Jaden. Three months pregnant, she walked down the aisle and went from Pinkett to Pinkett Smith.
Rumours of infidelities, open marriage, divorce and reconciliation abounded for the following two decades. Then this week, as she promoted her new memoir, Jada dropped a bombshell. They have been living apart for more than seven years.
Speaking about the controversial Academy Awards slap (Will Smith told presenter Chris Rock to “keep my wife’s name out of your f*king mouth” before slapping him at the 2022 award ceremony) Jada says she wasn’t sure why her husband was so upset.
“I am unclear on the reason why Will is so upset. We have been living separate lives and were there as a family, not as a husband and wife” she wrote in the book. During her interview with TODAY, she explained that they hadn’t yet found a way to communicate the state of their relationship which is why they’d kept things private.
A private life is a private life, but there’s no doubt that the stigma of separation and divorce still exists.
In Ireland, more women apply for divorce than men with about 60% of people initiating the proceedings being female. A sign, perhaps of wives less inclined to live with the status quo.
Some 5,856 people have filed for divorce — a figure which is up 11% on the previous record of 5,220 two years ago. One of the reasons for the jump in figures is because on January 1m 2020, the law changed as a result of the referendum which reduced the waiting time for divorce from four years to two years. There was a whole range of people who hadn't been eligible for divorce who could now apply.
Author Mel Murphy is also a Relationship and Divorce Coach. With her own experience of divorce, Melanie aims to help others navigate the process from making the decision to dealing with the courts and even telling the children.
She says she’s starting to see society move more towards amicable separation and ‘conscious decoupling’.
"The main reason people will separate and not necessarily divorce", she explains, "is because they are stuck in the cycle of the separation to divorce process. That’s the 'bereavement' cycle where initially you don’t believe that this is happening. Then there is anger, then depression and finally acceptance.
Some go through that cycle a few times before they accept that the relationship is over.
In a lot of relationships, one person who has been thinking of leaving that relationship for three to five years, and finally decides to leave is way ahead in that cycle and the other is still stuck in the disbelief or anger phase and not willing to move forward yet.
In those situations. separation might be what’s happening. In other situations it’s more around values, similar to Jada Pinkett Smith, she had promised herself she’d never get divorced so separation was an easier, softer landing in a way," Murphy points out.
But separation is different for everyone.
"Sometimes people are living very separate lives in the same house, so they decide to stay together in the house and have separate lives so they can parent the children and get on well enough and have a business relationship," Murphy explains.
"Whether they have extramarital relationships is up to the individuals and how they manage that as a couple. Sometimes for mental health reasons, some are just not ready to go through the trauma of the full divorce process, especially if they know they’d rock the boat with a difficult co-parent. As long as they stay separate they might feel the other person will treat them with a decent amount of friendship but if they started dividing up finances, the other might become hostile. I have a lot of clients like that.
Psychoanalyst Andrew Fitzpatrick, of Access Counselling says often the stigma surrounding marriage and divorce remains tied up in our belief system.
“Many cultures and religions hold the institution of marriage in high regard and view divorce as a failure to uphold those commitments," he says. "Societal expectations often promote the idea of a lifelong union, and deviations can be seen as not adhering to these norms. What we are seeing is that people often fear what they don't understand, so those who haven't experienced separation or divorce might harbour misconceptions.”
Then, of course, there is the associations with failure. We’ve all heard that awful phrase ‘a failed marriage'. Fitzpatrick says often “people equate the end of a marriage to personal failure, even though relationships can end for numerous reasons outside an individual's control.”
However he says reframing the narrative is key.
“Rather than viewing it as a failure, consider the courage it takes to leave a situation that's not working. Connect with friends, family, and support groups who can empathize and offer guidance. It might be an idea to distance yourself from people or environments that perpetuate the stigma. Remember, while societal views can influence our thinking, it's important to make decisions based on personal circumstances.”
But Divorce Coach Melanie Murphy says that she’s seen a massive shift more recently.
"Sometimes people do believe there is shame involved, but it’s certainly not as much anymore. Sometimes people decide to divorce later, once they’ve met someone else.
I think it’s changed a lot because of media coverage, and as a new generation progresses into marriage. I’m also seeing a lot of 'grey divorce', empty nesters, who have grown-up children and who, in the past, were told they made their bed and had to stay in it.
We are seeing a massive shift from the shame towards being a much more acceptable option.
The pandemic also brought a brand new YOLO (you only live once) attitude when many realised you really only have one short life.
