Dear Dáithí: I've been left out of a WhatsApp group for school mums and I'm so embarrassed

My son’s class already had a WhatsApp group set up. When my daughter went to the school, I set up a class WhatsApp group as I found it a great way to keep up with things in my son’s class. 

Everything from lost jumpers to reminders about school events, and questions about homework are thrown up there. 

I found out a smaller group of mums created a separate text group and didn’t include me. I by chance met them in our local coffee shop and one of the mums laughingly said ‘oh, we must put you on the ‘Mad Moms’ group too’. 

I feel left out and ridiculously upset by this, even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m a grown woman but it made me feel like I was back at school. 

I was very shy then, but I am outgoing and confident now. I have plenty of friends, but this is giving me stress headaches and I can’t stop questioning myself about why they didn’t include me in the first place.

Should I remind one of them to include me? I’m really embarrassed by this and gutted they left me out.

WhatsApp groups can be strange places. They can be both good and bad, helpful and sometimes even toxic. I’m only in two, one is for tips for horse racing which is a bit of fun, and the other involves a lot of people with an opinion on everything.

You know what they say, opinions are like arseholes — everyone has one! And we all know what comes out of them! 

That said I totally get your ‘tribe’ feeling and with so much going on these days it can be a great way to know what’s going on.

Being excluded from anything can be a very lonely place especially when you already know that feeling as you said you were shy when you were in school. 

The feeling of being on the outside in school will be familiar with a lot of people, even it was for just a day, it’s tough. To find out that you’re not in this ‘inner circle’ was tough on you and I’d imagine you’ve a million questions why.

In one way you can call this a splinter group. They are very common and I sense they are a whole new group and entirely different from the original gang. There might even be one or two in the group that want to leave but can’t.

When someone leaves a WhatsApp group it’s like slamming a door. It comes up on the group and everyone knows you’re gone. I wish there was a way you could leave on the QT.

You must have asked yourself a thousand times if you had done something wrong? The answer is you didn’t, this is all on them or someone in that group and usually when you have a person like that in a group it’s not long until you have a very toxic environment.

Toxic environments are a mixture of rabbit holes and quicksand pits. They are generally places where fresh air never circulates and if this is the case, you’re better off out of it.

You do seem to have a friend in there though. The person who said they “have put you in the Mad Moms group too”. I’d see this person as an ally. 

When you think of it, there was no reason why she had to say it. If the group was a real secret, there would have been nothing said. This is the person I think you should approach.

This is the person you meet on your own and ask what the story is. If there was someone who didn’t want you in there she should tell you. It might all be an honest mistake, but either way this person will set the record straight.

It is our default position to feel embarrassed about this, it’s almost the same feeling as being bullied. We really don’t know how to handle it and we take it out on ourselves, and we shouldn’t because we didn’t create the situation. 

You are not that shy schoolgirl anymore, you are “outgoing and confident” and don’t forget that.

This is just a little reminder the world gives us every now and then that not everything is perfect. 

You also have plenty of friends, so do you really need this bullshit in your life? You need to take control of this, and you can only control your own actions and nobody else’s.

Speak to your ally and if you don’t get any satisfaction, you’re going to have to move on and stop letting them affect you. 

Treat them properly every time you meet them, but let them know you are a strong and confident person. They won’t be long getting the message.

Your children are the most important thing in all of this, and you’re only really interested in what’s good for them. That’s why you’d even tolerate being in one of these groups. Who needs the crap that goes with them? 

So don’t sweat the small things, even though they seem to be bigger at the moment.

Like a lot of the hot air in the group, it too will cool down. As you said yourself, you are outgoing and confident and have plenty of friends — don’t forget this, it’s the key that unlocks the door out of that group! 

And any Mom or Dad who puts their children first is ace with me.

Contact Dáithí at exa.mn/DearDaithi