'I am still getting asked, is it even a thing?': Why we need to talk to our girls about masturbation 

My reaction surprises me. I am not one of the quarter of women my age (18 – 34) who think masturbation is shameful or wrong (as per a recent report from Flo Health), but seeing it on a popular TV show still feels shocking in some way. Seeing a woman pleasure herself — without a man in the room she’s performing for — feels radical.

My reaction to this short nod to female masturbation in a show quite literally called Sex Education, makes me wonder — how many girls and women feel similarly? How many of us are comfortable watching a scene that hints at a woman pleasuring herself in the same way we would accept a male doing the same? How many of us can talk to our friends about masturbation?

And, if we aren’t comfortable openly discussing pleasuring ourselves, or even doing it — how are we supposed to communicate with our partners about it? The much-discussed orgasm gap suggests there’s a big gap between the number of heterosexual men and heterosexual women who orgasm when they are sexually intimate (in one 2017 study of more than 50,000 people, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasm when sexually intimate versus just 65% of heterosexual women), but if we aren’t comfortable seeing or talking about our own pleasure, how are we supposed to communicate with our partners about how to get there? 

And, if we are one of the up to 15% of women who have never had an orgasm (studies suggest the figure sits anywhere between 5 and 15%), how do we learn to get there ourselves?

The myth of the female orgasm

Grace Alice Ó Sé, a sex and intimacy specialist who has delivered comprehensive sex education across schools throughout Ireland as part of Sexual Health West, says that in 2023, despite how far we’ve come in championing female pleasure in mainstream media with shows like Sex Education, she still gets asked by Irish schoolgirls whether female orgasms are even possible.

“It has changed from when I was in school (2005–2010), there’s definitely more of a conversation around pleasure and consent, but the question ‘Can girls come, can women orgasm?’ is still coming up.

“I am still getting asked is it even a thing, does it even exist?” Former Irish Love Island contestant Yewande Biala, who recently fronted a documentary for Channel 4, Secrets of the Female Orgasm, says she spent the vast majority of her adolescent years and early adulthood with the misguided belief that female orgasms were unattainable.

“Growing up, I didn’t even think it was a thing. We heard a lot about male orgasms and no one really talked about female orgasms,” the 26-year-old Dubliner says.

“So I kind of grew up with the perception that it’s not real, people are telling fibs, or it is real, but it’s just really, really hard to get to.” 

The lack of information around female pleasure is one factor which the biochemist feels may have led to her own struggle to reach orgasm, and her relationship with masturbation — something she explores openly in the documentary.

“There was a time when I was in my early 20s and a lot of my friends at the time weren’t having orgasms,” she says, “I didn’t really talk about [not being able to orgasm] at all”.

And, she didn’t try to come herself — something she feels is linked to the lack of positive information she received about female pleasure growing up. In the documentary, she confronts her mother on the issue, asking why she never talked to her about it.

Although it was a “really hard moment”, Biala says she wishes the conversation had taken place much earlier in life as she feels her views on sex might be different today if masturbation was a natural part of a mother-daughter conversation growing up.

“When I asked her if it’s a good thing to masturbate and she said yeah, I was happy she said it,” she says, “but I was absolutely raging too because why didn’t she say it to me [before]? If me and my mum had that conversation when I was younger, I think I’d have a completely, totally different outlook on sex. I get it, it’s an awkward conversation to have, like it’s embarrassing, who wants to speak to their mum about masturbation?

“But I do feel if we at least normalise these conversations now, maybe in the next couple of decades it could be completely different.

“If we start using positive language when it comes to sex, masturbation and pleasure, it would save a lot of people a lot of hassle, shame and embarrassment.”

Dublin-based psychosexual therapist Áine Ward agrees, though she says the positive impact of a conversation between a mother and daughter on self-pleasure is highly dependent on the mother’s own comfortability around the subject matter.

“It’s not only about speaking to children about sex, we’ve all had the birds and bees conversation. But it’s the whole spectrum of sexuality.

“Your body and your emotions — and masturbation — what it is, what it’s like, and how enjoyable it can be. So it becomes part of sex education knowledge around your body.” 

The psychosexual therapist believes it is important for women to explore their own likes and dislikes around self-pleasure so that they can communicate their desires with their partner.

“A woman needs to understand her own body. She needs to know what she likes and the kind of touching that she likes. She needs to understand about female orgasms, the type of orgasms that you can have, the difference in orgasms that a woman can have — all of those things. And when she understands her own body, then she can share with another person what she likes and what she doesn’t like.”

Talking to our daughters

So what role can educators and parents, particularly mothers, play when it comes to ensuring girls feel comfortable and shame-free pleasuring themselves?

Well, Ó Sé believes the key is ensuring pleasure is a key term throughout any and all kinds of sex education, in schools and at home.

“We need to stop treating pleasure like a separate subject. It needs to be intertwined with whatever we’re talking about when it comes to sex. If we’re talking about protection, we need to weave in pleasure there. We need to talk about lubricants. When we’re talking about reproduction, how a baby is made, we should be saying, ‘and it should feel really good’. It shouldn’t be a separate topic, it should be peppered throughout.” And when it comes to talking about it with your own daughter — Ó Sé says lean into the fact it can be an uncomfortable subject.

“We just need to get over the fact we’re going to be uncomfortable at times.

“Teenagers get embarrassed about everything — let the teenager squirm. That’s not a reason not to do it. We need to get the information out there and let them do with it what they will," she says.

Rather than bringing the topic out of nowhere, Ó Sé says take advantage of “teaching moments” in the media — like the scene in Sex Education or Biala’s documentary.

And, when it comes to talking about pleasure, there’s no need to talk about your specific experiences or ask about your childs.

“Keep it general,” Ó Sé advises.

Another good tip is to pick up books like Ó Sé’s own, Sex Educated, or Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, which focus on female pleasure and masturbation, and pass it on to your daughter.

“I think everyone who has a vagina should read [Come As You Are],” Ó Sé laughs.

Maybe we’ll pick up two copies for Christmas.