Joanna Fortune: My child gets anxious about going to birthday parties

Tue, 10 Oct, 2023 - 02:00

Child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune

My daughter is in first class and is very shy. She loves getting birthday party invitations but gets overwhelmed and anxious as soon as she arrives.  I usually stay to reassure her but I'd like to find another way to handle the situation.

Shyness is not a 'problem behaviour' or something to psycho-pathologise — it's a personality trait. However, if the shyness is at a level where it inhibits participation in activities and life events, additional support could be beneficial.

Your daughter is very young and at a stage of development where she is unable to self-regulate (control/manage) her feelings. She needs you, her safe and trusted adult-in-charge, to co-regulate. In other words, she relies upon you and your emotional response to manage her feelings. For this reason, I think it's best to stay close by and be accessible when she experiences surges in anxiety and worry.

To encourage her to manage birthday parties without you, here are some suggestions to consider and gradually try out with her:

Let her know that you will stay for the first 15 minutes of the party, and when you know she is OK, you will go for a short walk and come back 10 minutes before the end.
Reassure her that the hosting parent has your number and you will return quickly if needed.
Give her a transitional object (an item that helps her to hold you in mind during a separation). This could be a keyring with a photo of you both or a hankie with a squirt of perfume/aftershave that she can put into her pocket and smell if she needs reassurance.
Remind her that she will be with people she already knows, is safe, and will have fun with her friends.
Take opportunities to practice confidence and independence where you can. Encourage her to order her food when you are out or to interact with a sales assistant when buying something.
Increase her access to sensory play as it helps to move from her busy, anxious mind into her body, where lots of those worries are felt so that she can release them.

You may also want to bring in some small world story play whereby you take a scenario (such as the one you mention) and play out a short story, start to end. The storyline could be a positive experience of a child character being dropped at a party, the parent staying briefly and seeing the child having fun, and leaving and returning with the child character saying they had fun. Repeat this story several times in the same way with her. This helps her to anticipate what will happen ahead of the event.

If you feel she is still not managing and this becomes a bigger concern, consider bringing her to a play-based therapist who can support you both in working through some of these barriers playfully.