Sex File: I find it difficult to focus on sex, how can I stay in the moment?

Mon, 09 Oct, 2023 - 06:00

Suzi Godson

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, and despite having two tweens and vast responsibilities, we still have an active sex life. However, I'm finding it increasingly hard to focus once we get going, and often I'm too distracted to reach orgasm. How do I stay in the moment?

There are 101 ways to relax, and while I'm not going to get through them all in this column, I promise that if you spend just 10-15 minutes a day consciously focusing on clearing your mind and calming your body, your sexual difficulties will begin to alleviate. To experience arousal and achieve orgasm, your brain needs to be able to stop thinking and start feeling, and that can't happen if you go to bed worrying about missing deadlines or lost PE kits. The deleterious impact of stress on sexual desire has evolutionary origins. Sex is not essential to your survival, so if your brain is distracted by something that feels more important than having an orgasm, it will prioritise that preoccupation.

While worrying is a choice that has absolutely no impact on the outcome of whatever it is that is on your mind, relaxation is a life skill that has a direct impact on your wellbeing and your sex life. Some people prefer active relaxation, such as walking or running or practising yoga. I personally prefer to do nothing.

Mindfulness is the label that people put on being still and quiet these days, and it insists that you completely empty your mind of thoughts which, in my experience, is very difficult to do. Taking ten minutes to do absolutely nothing every single day is a less stressful experience. Lie down on the sofa and shut your eyes or lie on the grass and look up at the sky. Give yourself permission to steal a little time to breathe, to silence your phone, to notice your body at peace in your surroundings; to focus on the shape of a cloud or the pattern on a cushion.

If you have not spoken to your husband about how you are feeling, you ought to. He may be able to share some of the burden, and he should definitely be able to help you to relax before you have sex. Simple strategies really help. Take a bath, alone or together, to disconnect from your day and reconnect with your body. You should also aim to slow down foreplay significantly. Arousal can be a slow burn in women at the best of times, and if you are under pressure, you are likely to need even more time.

If your husband is willing, ask him to begin the process by giving you a massage. The sensation of his hands rubbing oil into your skin will wake up the nerve endings and your mind and body will begin to connect in a much more sensual way. Playing music and lighting candles creates a calm atmosphere. Sometimes, wearing a blindfold and eliminating visual cues can help your brain to register sensation more intensely.

Don't think about orgasm, and don't put yourself under any pressure. Focus on what you are feeling and surrender yourself to the delicious sensation. You will soon discover that the funny thing about relaxation is the more effort you put into it, the bigger and better the benefits.