Dear Dáithí: My brother turned my family against me and cut me out of a will

Sadly they believed him, and cut me out too. This was devastating for me, but I got over it finally, well, that’s not 100% true. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely healed from that experience. 

My friends are advising me to go court, but honestly, I wouldn’t have the stomach for that long road. 

I’m wondering how to make my peace with it all. What are your thoughts on toxic families?

First of all, I’m sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I don’t know the ins and outs of your story nor is it any of my or our business but that’s a tough situation, especially when it comes to family.

The very people who are supposed to be there for you when things like this happen in life. Then put family and money together and you’ve a right combination. 

You know what they say “where there’s a will there’s a relative”, and I don’t mean to be smart but it’s very true.

You said you were devastated but are working to get over it. The fact that you’ve been through it and have overcome it is a sure sign of what a strong person you are, and I know that we aren’t very good in this country for patting ourselves on the back, but you should be very proud of that. That was a big hill you climbed and not everyone would be able for it.

You ask my thoughts on toxic families. The two words should never be in the same sentence. I remember the first time I heard of this I couldn’t believe it and how deep and dirty brothers and sisters can get is beyond me really.

The crazy thing is that this is very common, and you wouldn’t believe some of the stunts family members pull on each other and speaking of your own experience, I think you know personally what it’s like.

The thing about it too is that we have an idea of what a perfect family is and I’m not even sure if it exists. It reminds me of Christmas day; everybody thinks that this is the most perfect day of the year.

It’s the opposite of it. There is always one, as the TV ad said years ago. It only takes one to turn the nest upside down.

What we really have to do when it comes to family is be realistic and face the facts and sometimes, we don’t want to do this because they are family, they won’t change you know that, but why should you have to be someone else to suit they? No way!

You can only control your own actions in this world and not of those around you and they shouldn’t control yours either. 

A lot of times we are so upset at how others treat us and other people and really, we are worrying about something that is totally out of our control. 

But you can control yourself and control how you react to situations, and this is very important. 

It’s a coping mechanism and a very good one. I think you’ve used this unbeknownst to yourself to get through this whole ordeal.

What is important to me in any fight or argument is that if I’m right that feeling that’s at the bottom of my stomach will go away. 

Now if you’re only codding yourself and you’re only being pigheaded then this won’t work. But if you are, I think that feeling will go and I know that this is a family issue, but you have to put yourself first. Again it’s going back to being in control only of your own actions.

It’s often the case that it’s one person who poisons the others and it might seem that everyone is against you, but time will tell, it’s amazing how a mask can slip little by little and then the truth will come out, and believe me sooner or later the truth will come out. 

I would certainly let people know that there are two sides to the story and set out your stall.

When it comes to money and if that money has a shadow over it in whatever way, I believe no luck will come out of it.

I know you are all saying now that the Kerry lad has lost it and that I’m full of piseógs and maybe I am, but I’ll take my chances with them. 

I’ve heard too many stories down through the years to go against them now. In the same vein, Karma is also a b**ch and will come back to bite you in the arse!

Families, as we know, are complex and it only takes one person to upset everyone. 

The concept of a toxic family is alien to me — thank God. That’s why when I first heard of what happened, it shocked me. 

I would have heard of brothers who didn’t speak to each other but never people going out of their way to hurt or steal from them. Life can be hard enough not to mind your own crowd turning on you.

Can you imagine all the above happening to you and put a child or two into the situation and then this happens?

Whatever about money, when the children are put in the middle and used as a type of currency to hurt the other person, it is cruel and there really is no winner — but that is a full topic for another day.