Colman Noctor: It's self-worth, not confidence, that parents need to nurture
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'I want my child to be more confident,' parents often tell me. While I agree that confidence can be a great asset in a child's social armoury, it's not where our focus needs to be when raising well-rounded children.
Confidence is often linked to performance and how we project ourselves into the world. A child can be a confident student, hurler, or musician, but this assuredness depends on their performance, not their self-value.
It can be difficult to conceptualise how a child who appears confident in certain areas might struggle in their relationship with themselves. However, many well-known individuals were seemingly assured in their art but highly self-critical.
Child stars Macaulay Culkin, Simone Biles, and Lindsay Lohan are examples of people whom the outside world would assume would have no shortage of confidence, but as their accounts would later reveal, they experienced low self-esteem.
Just because a child appears confident is no guarantee their self-worth is proportionate to their confidence. I have seen many examples of young people who are typically 'A' students, 'captain of the team' and popular among their peer group, but who also have poor self-worth and struggle with their sense of self.
The most important relationship we will ever have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves. This relationship needs to be nurtured as much if not more than our relationships with the outside world.
Typically, a child with high self-confidence and low self-worth will perform well at a sport or school tests and often receive positive feedback from others. However, their self-evaluation is often highly critical — a product of unrealistically high expectations of themselves or a belief that perfection is the minimum acceptable standard.
While pushy parents can be the reason why some children strive for tangible recognition, there are other examples where this drive for perfection and intense need to be the best is at odds with the family value system. In these circumstances, the child's self-worth compared to their peers seems to fuel a need to be the best at everything and, despite reassurances from their parents that there is no need to perform at this level, the child's self-critical attitude persists.
Children with high confidence and low self-worth can seem impervious to interpersonal compliments, paying more heed to the intrapersonal critical voice in their heads. They measure worth through accolades and prizes and though often achieving these, an insatiable need for more drives them.
Often described as 'sore losers', 'uber competitive' or 'high achieving', they can fly under the mental health radar because, to the outside, they seem to be thriving. Coaches, teachers, and sometimes even parents are often surprised when these children hit a crisis. It seems to come 'out of the blue'. Saying to the child: 'What have you got to be sad about — you have everything going for you?' will have little impact on their sense of fulfilment.
One of the issues with children who focus on results is that they chase short-term tangible achievements, which temporarily boost their sense of wellbeing. This includes medals, prizes, and praise. These outcomes are pursued with intensity to fill a gap in their relationship with themselves.
In , Dumbledore tells Harry that the happiest man in the world would look into the Mirror of Erised (Desire) and see himself exactly how he is. The wise headmaster recognised that the more we value, the less we feel compelled to seek recognition from others.
High self-worth is not to be confused with narcissism. In a 2016 paper in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science, researchers point out that the person with high levels of self-worth sees themselves as capable, whereas the narcissist sees themselves as superior.
Many children who develop confidence at the cost of self-worth see performance as the only means of achieving recognition from others. By contrast, a child with strong self-worth is less likely to need to perform and will feel perfectly adequate in their own skin.
So how do we nurture our children's self-worth in tandem with their confidence? We can do so by valuing their inner qualities rather than the achievements they rack up. For example, instead of asking a child after a match 'Did you win and did you score?' you could ask, "Did you have fun and did you do your best?'. The key is to focus on effort, not outcome.
The same goes for being mindful of your child's attempts to get your recognition. If they see grades and accolades as the things you value, they will equate results as synonymous with their self-value.
It is not only parents who can value confidence over self-worth. Schools notoriously reward children who score well in sports and academics with little emphasis on their personal attributes. Adults determine what activities should be rewarded, so it is no surprise that children see prizes and medals as likely to deliver the recognition and fulfilment they crave.
When we prioritise our child's competencies over their qualities , we communicate that their ability to do something is more important than their ability to consider others. Schools and parents can help to shift the focus away from performance and outcome by rewarding characteristics such as kindness, generosity, determination or social consciousness.
The child who believes in their intrinsic value and is aware of and accepts their limitations is likely to negotiate life more successfully than one who feels the need to perform and achieve to be seen.
You may not be responsible for your child's insatiable drive for recognition and competency, but you can encourage them to focus on what self-worth truly means.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
