Sex File: Should we make our threesome fantasy real?
The basic ground rules of threesomes are that both partners should have a clear understanding of each other's expectations, and if one person isn't 100% enthusiastic about the idea, you shouldn't do it.
I've heard a lot of good things about Feeld and I know several - admittedly much younger - couples who met through it, but I've never checked it out myself. Until now.
In the interests of research, I downloaded it and it was an interesting experience. Feeld describes itself as 'a dating app for the open-minded to meet the like-minded'.
In a much more straight-faced explanation, Wikipedia describes it as 'a location-based online dating application' that 'facilitates communication between people interested in ethical nonmonogamy, polyamory, casual sex, kink, swinging, and other alternative relationship models and sexual preferences'.
You can sign up for Feeld with a partner or as a single person, and you can choose from any one of 21 sexualities. I had to google a few of them.
As you wade deeper into the sign-up process you are asked to think about what you are looking for - again, it's a smorgasbord - then it asks about your fantasies and desires. The sign-up process is a primer that makes you believe that you can literally have anything you want, and that, I suppose, is the ultimate sexual fantasy.
I'm not being critical. Feeld genuinely strikes me as an app that has prioritised equity and clarity, and that is a good thing. I can also see why it might appeal after a few glasses of wine - I'm sure that flirting with good-looking photographs is a very effective form of foreplay.
The basic ground rules of threesomes are that both partners should have a clear understanding of each other's expectations, and if one person isn't 100% enthusiastic about the idea, you shouldn't do it.
Communication is key. Who's going to initiate sexual activity? What sexual activity is acceptable and what is off limits? Threesomes are not a free-for-all. You need to establish what you both feel comfortable with before you even meet the third person.
Right now this is a fantasy that becomes real when you choose to let it, but if you set it in motion that third person becomes a real human being with their own boundaries and their own baggage.
If you are sure about this you should meet them for a coffee first. It gives you all a chance to check whether you really want to take things further. If you decide to push the button, you need to think through the logistics.
What happens if someone freaks out and wants to end the interaction? What happens if one person feels left out? What happens afterwards? Is it a taxi home or breakfast in bed?
You need to anticipate every possible scenario in advance so that you all have a very clear idea of how to respond to anything that arises.
You may find that when you start discussing the specifics of a real interaction, as opposed to a Feeld fantasy, the idea loses some of its appeal. You might also want to have a think about why the idea feels so exciting.
If it is an easy way to inject some excitement into your sexual relationship, what happens afterwards? Bringing a new person into the mix is a temporary fix that is more likely to magnify cracks in the relationships than it is to mend them.
Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com
