Talk To Me: My teenage son has a problem with almost everything I say
'My son is spending more and more time in his bedroom. It's almost like he's had a personality transplant.'
Spending time with our 15-year-old children can feel a bit like we’ve been cast as a hapless hero in a theatre of the absurd. Someone forgot to hand you the script and you have to improvise.
Let me burst the first bubble: you’re not going to get this right all the time and the teenage self-appointed director may storm off.
Your son may look like an adult, his voice may sound like an adult and he may have thoughts and opinions on all sorts of grown-up matters. It can be disorientating when you respond to him as though he is an adult and you are met with derision.
But he is still young developmentally and here’s the second burst bubble: he’s not going to get it right all the time. Not even close.
Your son is very busy doing the work of a teenager. This work has little to do with state exams and more with figuring out his beliefs, values and goals. If he’s lucky, his teachers will use the curriculum to help him explore these aspects of himself.
This can be incredibly difficult if he is ascribing to a particular value in direct conflict with one you hold dear. You may feel compelled to convince him that your value or belief is the truth.
He may be convinced by a certain influencer who he sees as someone who has achieved 'success' by speaking his mind. You may, in turn, feel your values of humility or equality are being trampled on.
It may be more fruitful to engage in the conversation, remaining curious about what lies behind this particular stance. Ask questions that seek to understand rather than judge.
Questions which help him assess whether his new-found position stands up alongside other values he espouses or demonstrates through his actions.
You are not a passive bystander in this dynamic. As our children move from having us at the centre of their worlds, we may struggle with their apparent indifference to us.
For this reason, many parents will refocus their energies on work, making significant contributions and gaining recognition there. If this is not possible, you could consider volunteering with community charities or events.
For the sake of your wellbeing, it's crucial you invest in your personal growth and productivity. Take the prompt from your son to reflect on your values and beliefs. Are they the same as they were when you were a teenager? Have they been shaped or sharpened through life experiences?
As your son experiments with different ways of being, take the opportunity to journal your responses to his interactions. This will help you to be curious rather than furious with his behaviours.
Like the most famous example of the theatre of the absurd, , your quest to impose order on your son will only bring you into conflict with him. As an adult, spending time with illogical storylines and language that feels foreign can be disorientating.
As a parent, you may feel compelled to make sense of all of this for your son. As a teenager though, your son will almost certainly reject your attempts.
I suggest you embrace the whimsical, use humour and play. Despite the apparent indifference, as his mum you have a distinct role, a role of heroic proportions. Like all heroes, you will face obstacles and need to be creative.
During the teenage years, the destination is less important than the journey, so don’t rush, leave space for him to simply be in your presence without conversation being a condition.
Value his emerging independence, and acknowledge and praise him when he makes healthy choices. Don’t rush to fix or explain his struggles, as this disempowers him, instead, empathise.
You might say something like, “Yes, that feels pretty humiliating” or “Gosh, that feels like a kick in the stomach”.
Adolescence is an ideal time to give our children some emotional language that reflects the nuance of adult life so they can move beyond the limited ‘happy, sad, mad and scared’.
A good starting point is to become more aware of your physical sensations and emotions when you feel shut out or dismissed by your son.
Adolescence is perhaps a quintessential example of Beckett’s philosophy: ‘Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.’ However, parenting may be better captured in his line ‘…you must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.’
Take care.
