Joanna Fortune: My teen won't tell us where they've been on trips to the city with friends

Wed, 27 Sep, 2023 - 08:16

Child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune

My daughter is 16 and has started going to the city with her friends. She always comes home on time but won’t talk about where she went or what she did. I want to encourage her independence but I’m worried about her safety.

We often talk about the developmental adjustments that take place during adolescence but what can get overlooked is that each of these adjustments requires a parallel adjustment from parents. It is normal for children to seek increased privacy from their parents during adolescence but if parents still need to know everything about their lives, this adjustment will be problematic.

You say your teenager has grown more independent by spending time away from home, in the city with her friends. She respects your boundaries and comes home on time. She is showing you that you can trust her. It sounds like you have prepared her well for this growing independence.

She does not want to tell you where she is going or what she is doing. This does not necessarily mean something untoward going on — it may simply be her desire to have increased privacy around aspects of her social life.

There is a difference between being interested and being intrusive and when parenting our teenagers that line can easily become blurred. You are interested in what she is doing while she is with friends in the city and you question her about it. She is in a phase of seeking more privacy, so she hears your interest as an
intrusion and holds back. And the more she holds back, the more likely you are to interrogate and probe for more information.

It is difficult when parents want their teenagers to show more independence while being scared of the signs of it because it means we have less control. I suggest you discuss your dilemma with her the next time she goes out with friends by saying something like:’I trust you. I know you would call me if you needed me and you know that I would always be there to help you. I respect that you don’t want to tell me everything about your time with friends. I love you. Have fun and be safe.’

The interest you show in this statement will set the scene for your questions when she returns home. It’s best to keep it simple. Ask: ‘How was your day? Did you have fun?’ She knows you are an available listening ear and when she senses it is her choice she may well share more with you.

Listen to my podcast episode on the five adjustments during adolescence: exa.mn/15-minute-teens