Dear Dáithí: My bright son is wasting his education and his life, why won't he listen to me?

He is a very bright boy and always did very well in school. Because of circumstances at the time, he didn’t do as well as he could have in his Leaving Cert.

He didn’t get his first choice in college and ended up doing a course he wasn’t really interested in. Since then, he just never settled down. He’s in his mid-20s now and all he wants to do is travel.

I’m afraid if he doesn’t get into the right career path now, he’ll waste his chance and will be behind all his friends when it comes to earning power and steps up the ladder.

My husband says just leave him be, but I feel we should be guiding him through this phase of his life. I never got to go to college and I don’t want him to waste his education working in coffee shops in Australia. What should I do?

 — Fionnula, Co Cork

• Every week, Dáithí answers your questions, from the little niggles to life’s big dilemmas. Contact Dáithí at exa.mn/DearDaithi

Dear Fionnula,

Your son reminds me of what I should have done when I was in my mid-20s. Even though I didn’t get married until my mid-30s, when it came to work, I was well settled at that age, and I regret it.

I should have travelled more and stayed in college for longer, but as you know, that wasn’t the way. My father couldn’t wait until I finished college and started to work. I was no longer a financial burden on him and at the time too, the lure of a few bob was strong.

Also, we come from a time when being an adult and grown-up was so important to us. We all wanted to be older and what happens when you’re older, yes you said it — we want our youth back!

Life has changed a lot since and in one sense changed completely! Almost too much, I think, as now nobody seems to want to settle down until their 30s and people spend a lot of their lives wandering and I think this is your concern.

If I was in your situation I’d be frustrated too. They just seem to go at a different pace from what we’re used to, but we must remember too we had a different pace to those who went before us.

I think our parents were exactly the same even though we didn’t know they worried about us. It’s only natural to be like this but he must live his own life and learn from his mistakes if he makes them.

You must remember though that he is your son, your stock and all the great attributes you have, and all your good nature is in him.

That in itself is such a great gift. To know you’ve reared a good guy is the best feeling in the world. Sure, what comes out of a crow’s egg but a crow?

Nature is a mighty thing.

Young people today settle a few times in their lives, I think. I’m not sure you want to hear this and that you might have to go through this all over again, but this is the way of the 2023 world and is a good thing and you shouldn’t be afraid of it.

When we started out, we went into a job for life and that was our aim. It was seen as security. That now has gone out the window and yes it scares me too.

People could now change jobs three or four times in their lifetime and that can be a very exciting thing. Sometimes I wish I changed jobs even though mine is a bit different.

Some days, I wish I was a plumber or an electrician or a job that had me physically tired at night, instead of mentally tired. But then, would I like to be knee-deep in shite every day?

It’s easy to be looking into the neighbour’s garden but we need to realize what we have and should be content with that.

The point I’m making is that our generation is not really used to changing jobs and the concept is alien to us, you have to remember it’s not to your son and his friends and that is a positive thing and should be embraced.

I remember when I told my mother I was going into television and turning my back on teaching. The pension and security chat came and went and it’s not that I didn’t listen to her, but I had to forge my own way and I think your son is doing the same now.

Even though he’s doing his own thing and not listening to you he is not disrespecting you. He’s just giving you the deaf ear you once gave your mother.

I think it’s important to talk to him about it — but in a casual way and with an easy approach. I think you’ll get great solace in this, and it will settle your mind while he himself might settle a little when he hears your concerns.

You’re probably the most important person to him in this world so you hold a lot of power but use it wisely.

It’s a two-way street when it comes to any healthy relationship, and he’ll want to hear certain things from you. You signed off your lovely letter to me by asking, “What should you do?” and my answer, Fionnula, is let him travel. Let him live out his dreams. He’ll be long enough working and paying a mortgage and everything else life throws at him.

And as I said earlier you’ve reared him well you have done your part.

Everything will be fine.

•  Every week, Dáithí answers your questions, from the little niggles to life’s big dilemmas. Contact Dáithí at exa.mn/DearDaithi