Talk To Me: Worried my fiancé is having second thoughts about getting married 

It is unfortunate your friend took it upon herself to be ‘flaithiúlach’ with your history without being mindful of the potential repercussions. It is possible that your fiancé was particularly sensitive to these stories. Our life experience can inform the degree to which we are alert to information. Your fiancé may have been hurt by someone in his past, and stories of your past may have caused him to recall painful emotions.

We can store memories in our bodies long after an event, and situations not directly linked can reactivate old sensations of pain or loss. Sometimes, we can have difficulty understanding where these feelings stem from. Your fiancé may not be making the emotional connection, which could explain the shift in his behaviour on demands at work.

Alternatively, he may make the connection and choose not to share these old memories with you for fear of your judgement or indeed curiosity. A 2019 study reported that men tend to have more positive attitudes about their ex-girlfriends than women have about their ex-boyfriends. He may fear that you still harbour affection for these boyfriends.

An evolutionary perspective on relationships will tell us that men are designed to have many partners, while women are designed to be more invested in a parental role. While this may jar with contemporary views on equality, it’s possible the discrepancy between societal attitudes regarding men’s sexual behaviours compared to women still exists.

While this sexual double standard is not for you to solve, it may shine a light on your and your partner’s attitude toward your respective histories. Consider whether traditional gender norms and expectations might influence your or your fiancé’s reaction. Is it possible you have pulled away from him, feeling some sense of shame?

Start by reflecting on your feelings and concerns. Be as specific as possible about what you are experiencing. You may find it helpful to use a feelings wheel, which you can easily find on the internet, or look up the meaning of the feelings that come to mind. Drilling down into the meanings or etymology of the language of our feelings helps us to gain clarity about what we are truly experiencing.

You might explore your underlying fears and anxieties related to the situation. Consider what you fear might happen if you discuss this event and its aftermath with your fiancé. Are there deeper insecurities that this situation has triggered for you? How do you view your past relationships and your current commitment? The resulting self-awareness can help you express your concerns more clearly and with greater confidence.

Open and honest communication is critical to tackling hidden biases. Approach your fiancé in a non-confrontational manner, expressing your feelings and fears. Use ‘I’ statements to express how you’ve been feeling since the evening of your friend’s visit and how it has impacted you emotionally. You might say, ‘I felt uncomfortable and hurt when our friend teased me about my past relationships, and I’ve been feeling distant from you since. I’m concerned about what this might mean for our relationship.’

Let your fiancé know you’ve noticed a change in his behaviour and want to understand what is going on. Ask him directly if your friend’s comments made him uneasy or if there are any other concerns he would like to discuss. Encourage him to share his perspective, giving him space to express any issues he might be facing, whether related to work or personal matters. Avoid jumping to conclusions and truly listen to his thoughts.

Be prepared for the possibility that your past may have activated some insecurities in your fiancé. Instead of becoming defensive or apologetic, acknowledge his feelings and reassure him of your commitment to your relationship. Let him know you are looking forward to your future together.

Ambiguity is part of life — tolerating uncertainty within marriage is crucial. It is normal to have doubts and concerns at times but as psychotherapist Esther Perel reminds us, ‘The more we trust, the farther we are able to venture.’

Within marriage, you don’t need to hear everything, and certitude is an illusion. As you work through this challenging time together, you are strengthening your bond.

Take care.

If you have a question for psychologist Caroline Martin, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie