Sex File: I'm slow to get into bed with new woman in my life

Mon, 11 Sep, 2023 - 06:05

Suzi Godson

How do I approach sex with a new partner after 30 years of marriage? I've been amicably divorced for 18 months and have now met a woman my age (mid-50s) who I'm really attracted to, but I've been putting off going to bed with her. I don't want her to worry I'm not keen, but it feels a bit like the prospect of losing my virginity again.

It won't be your first time having sex, but it will be your first time having sex with your new partner, so it is fair enough to feel a little bit apprehensive. Of course you want to make a good impression, but remember, she is in her 50s, not her 20s. Unless she is what statisticians call an 'outlier', chances are she hasn't had much sex recently either. Older women have fewer sexual partners than older men. There are a number of reasons for this. It's partly because women live longer, partly because most older men are married, and partly because single men prefer dating younger women.

I wouldn't assume that your new partner is desperate to have sex. Her feelings may well be similar to yours. She is probably checking you out just as much as you are checking her out, so take your time and don't rush things. When the time feels right to have sex, bravado is pointless. The thing she will appreciate most is honesty. It's much better to admit that you are apprehensive, that it has been a while, and that you are not 100% confident about how to please a woman in bed any more. If you can make her laugh while you bare your soul, so much the better.

Don't expect things to go smoothly. When you have been with the same person for years, having sex with a new partner can feel really strange at first. Everything about them is different; their body, their smell, their preferences, their technique. It takes time to get used to the way sex feels with them, so don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself, or on her.

Orgasm is a 'nice to have', but in a new relationship women don't expect, or need, to climax to enjoy sex. Kissing, touching, skin-to-skin contact and pillow talk provide just as much pleasure. It might take a little time to get into each other's grooves, but practice makes perfect and there is a wealth of research to show that when it comes to sex, familiarity increases the likelihood of both partners achieving orgasm.

Establish good communication habits from the start. If you can encourage openness, neither of you will feel the need to hide anything, and that will stand you in good stead later. Be frank. Ask her what she enjoys when you make love. Get to know her as well as you can sexually.

In midlife, lots of women need more stimulation to reach orgasm because menopause-related hormone changes can reduce arousal and make climax less easy to reach. Being able to relax is fundamental to female sexual pleasure so if she, like you, feels very apprehensive, she may not lubricate easily. Fortunately, that is a very easy problem to solve. A decent silicone lubricant enhances sex for men and women at any age.

One word of advice, though. Don't suddenly produce an old tube of K-Y Jelly from the bedside table. Bringing old sex props into a new relationship is a complete no-no. Box-fresh only.