Talk To Me: I'm afraid to tell my girlfriend I don't want children

Sun, 17 Sep, 2023 - 05:15

Psychotherapist Caroline Martin

I'm a divorced father of two teenagers and am dating a terrific woman I met over a year ago. A month ago, she said she would like to have a child, maybe two. It was the last thing I expected to hear. I have no plans to have more children - it was tough enough when my own were young. I'm afraid if I tell her, she will leave me.

Babies have a tendency to test the strength of a family system and can shine a glaring light on any cracks. Having a child can impact not only your identity and career but the relationship itself. In fact, having a baby can cause a complete upheaval of life as you know it.

It is entirely understandable that you are extremely cautious about disrupting what probably feels like a fun, stable and loving relationship. When a significant event occurs, such as a divorce, we can do a lot of self-reflection and healing in the immediate aftermath. We may believe that that wound is healed and we have 'moved on'. However, it’s often more complicated than that. Wounds can reopen when we're faced with circumstances or challenges that activate old memories.

You may have a physical reaction to the idea of having more children - your stomach may churn or you may feel a tightness in your chest. While this is possibly to do with not wanting additional financial or care responsibilities, it could relate to not wanting to lose what you have or re-enact previous patterns of behaviour, tension and acrimony.

It will help to reflect on your feelings and values regarding having more children. Take time to disentangle having children from getting divorced. Explore why you don’t want more children, and be honest about your concerns, boundaries and priorities. Understanding your emotions and what’s driving them is essential before you can communicate effectively with your girlfriend. Engaging in therapy with a registered therapist is advised as the impact of any decision will be felt through the deep interconnectedness of the family.

Honest and open communication is essential. Lay the foundations for a safe conversation by dedicating a specific time and space for this discussion. Candid and calm conversation requires you both to be present and not distracted by tiredness or competing demands. Let her know you would like to talk about the idea of having a baby and agree on a time that works for you both.

You could start the conversation by saying something like, ‘I love our relationship and the time we spend together. I need to talk with you about the idea of having a baby and share something that has been on my mind.’ Share your reasons for not wanting more children. Be clear and specific about the challenges you faced when your children were younger and how this experience has influenced your decision. Using ‘I’ statements allows you to get your perspective across without creating a sense that your girlfriend needs to compromise or defend her perspective.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Encourage open dialogue by inviting your partner to share her thoughts and feelings about having children. Listen to the words she uses and her tone of voice. Observe her body language and seek to understand rather than interrogate. This can help you to understand what is driving her desire to become a mother.

We are more likely to engage in a conversation when we feel heard and understood. Actively listening to your girlfriend, rather than simply waiting to reply, will help you to convey understanding. Take time to acknowledge her request to have a child with you and recognise her feelings about this possibility. You might say something like, ‘I understand you want us to have children, and I respect your feelings'.

While compromise is not often associated with having children, you might explore whether there are alternative solutions that could work for you both. You could discuss the possibility of adoption or fostering. However, alternatives may be difficult to identify until you both fully understand what is driving her desire and your resistance.

If the conversation becomes too challenging to navigate on your own, you may decide to seek the assistance of a registered couple’s therapist.

Understand that this is a significant issue and it may take time for you both to process what this means for the relationship. Give space to both of you to reflect and consider the next steps without pressure for an immediate decision.

Communication is vital to a healthy relationship, especially when discussing complex topics. Prioritising your and your partner’s needs is critical while working towards a solution that aligns with your desires and goals as a couple. Take care as you step into the crucible together, and be open to being surprised by what emerges.