Help, my daughter says everyone has made friends at secondary school already — except her
Back to school challenges include big kids too
Back to school… those three words mean many things to many people. But it’s safe to say, with a new school year comes the unknown: What will it be like, and will I fit in? The prospect of academic and social pressures, whilst exciting for some, can leave others feeling dread and trepidation as the summer holidays draw to a close. While there is a plethora of advice for primary school children, some parents of older children admit finding the transition into secondary equally daunting.
Sarah Henderson is the mother of twins who starting in secondary school this week. She says her daughter in particular, is finding it hard to make new friends. "She only knew one or two other girls from her primary school who were starting First Year, and she's not particularly close to them. She's also quite shy and has come home in tears the past few days because she's ended up eating lunch alone. I feel so sorry for her but her brother is really putting himself out there and making connections, I want to see if she will push herself more, but it's been an emotional few days and she's exhausted from the new experience so I don't want to upset her any further."
Getting the balance right between intervening or letting your child forge their own way is tricky, especially with tweens and teens, explains CEO of Irish-owned Junior Einsteins Science Club, Tracey-Jane Cassidy who works with this age-group. She says that in her experience, the transition to the next stage of education can be a challenge. "Understanding that it takes time to establish new friendship groups can be helpful," the Dubliner admits.
"I suggest explaining to your child that everyone is in the same situation. Even those students who look as if they've formed a clique, are struggling to fit in. Those dynamics will fluctuate over the next few weeks and even months as children find their tribe. I went through it with my own teenagers. My advice to them was to try to be friends with everyone, to be kind, and gravitate towards those with similar broad interests that they might share. That might mean having sports in common or pets.
Principal Victoria Hearn believes that the change of routine, environment, and teachers, coupled with the loss of some of their established network of friends, can cause children and parents a degree of stress. Secondary school should be an enjoyable and enriching experience for every student, explains Hearn, and building a strong friendship group can play a key role in making this a reality.
Key tips for parents to share with their child include being proactive, and not being afraid to reach out to others. “The most important thing for students starting secondary school to remember, is that everyone is in the same boat,” she says.
Moving from a small class of 30 to a school year of more than 100 can feel incredibly overwhelming, and while it takes confidence to put yourself out there and take the first step, it will help to put others at ease who will be feeling shy, too.
"Be open-minded," Herne suggests. "Part of what makes starting secondary school exciting is being able to take part in new activities and initiatives, such as sports clubs and other extracurriculars.
This also provides a fantastic opportunity for students to meet peers who share similar interests. Helping them to form a bond and eventually a friendship." As well as taking advantage of an array of extracurricular activities, Hearn says to encourage them to find an overlap.
“This enables them to meet new people and work together to support a cause greater than their own individual needs.”
“When young people enter a new social situation, they are likely to feel pressure to fit in, and while having a strong social group is important to a child’s wellbeing, it’s vital young people know how to step away from an unhealthy friendship,” advises Tracey-Jane.
To encourage the setting of these boundaries, she says parents should ensure their child knows that it’s okay to tell a friend ‘no’ when they are feeling uncomfortable — as well as when it’s best to speak to an adult if they feel they are being pressured. "It's not the end of the world if your child hasn't found a friendship group by the end of the first week or two," points out Tracey-Jane, who has three children in secondary school in Dublin. "There has to be an element of giving your child the tools but letting them find their own equilibrium a little too. By all means, check in with them and have conversations about how it's going but it's hard for parents to let go too."
After all, we as parents, are so used to the culture of setting up playdates and watching our children interact with others. "This is so new for parents too. Supporting your child is essential but now it's about listening to their concerns and offering reassurance rather than orchestrating relationships as you might have with Primary age kids. It's hard for us to let go sometimes. But for the most part, your child will find someone they enjoy spending time with."
Parents, guardians, and teachers can all have a positive impact on a student’s ability to make friends, says Principal Hearn, but it’s important to remember every child is different and moves at their own pace. “At all times, but particularly around periods of change, I encourage parents and guardians to engage in frequent open conversations with their child(ren), to check in with them regularly,” advises Hearn. “And, most importantly, validate their feelings.” Listening to your child’s concerns and providing reassurance is often all students need to approach making friends with confidence.
"Don't underestimate the support from the school," says Tracey-Jane. "There are really fantastic initiatives that most Irish secondary schools now offer for children; fun days, team building, mixed ability sports, quizzes to help students get to know one another...So keep the lines of communication open if you have concerns." This has proved hugely successful in ensuring students feel included and presented with the best opportunities for making friends.
“Your child(ren)’s school should also have an established pastoral support network to help them through any challenges they are facing,” says Hearn. “Please encourage your child to reach out to their teacher when necessary,” she urges. “Or, if required, contact their school directly with any concerns.” Hearn continues: “The transition to secondary school can be daunting for students, but with the support of families and teachers, we can ensure every child gets the absolute most out of their experience — and establishes friendships that will extend far beyond the school walls.”
