Sex File: Why doesn't he make an effort in bed?

Mon, 04 Sep, 2023 - 20:08

Suzi Godson

My partner was always very attentive in bed, but in recent years he's stopped making the first move, and even if I do, he doesn't seem to be interested in foreplay, or doing anything intimate other than penetrative sex.

When I've tried to talk to him he's got upset and accused me of pressuring him. We are in our mid-40s. How do I end this impasse?

In your longer letter, you say your partner is able to maintain an erection, so the issue isn't to do with sexual function - but he is clearly unhappy about something. The fact that he refuses to talk to you suggests that there may be some unspoken resentment between you. Emotional and sexual disconnection often go hand in hand and although you are still having sex, he is withholding intimacy.

If this problem was relatively recent it might indicate that he was, temporarily, under a lot of pressure, but you do say this problem has been going on for years. As his partner, you have a right to know why he is behaving in this way. However, when it comes to challenging conversations, you've got to pick your moment.

The top tip is never bring up sexual issues when you are in bed and remember the HALT acronym: avoid talking about difficult things if either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Be clear about your intentions too. Criticism makes people defensive, so make it obvious that you are not seeking to judge, or to blame. Remember to use "I" words, not "you" words, and avoid escalating the issue by using words such as "always" or "never".

If you can get him to engage in a conversation, however tentatively, the most important thing you can do is to listen. It can be incredibly difficult to resist the temptation to interject when a conversation begins to reveal uncomfortable things. But if you really want to know what is going on, you need to give him space.

There could be any number of reasons why he is struggling, and you need to brace yourself for all possibilities. He could be having an affair. He may have debts you don't know about. He could have a porn habit. How you respond will depend on what he reveals, but from what you have said in your email, it does sound as if he could be struggling psychologically.

If you reflect back over the past few years, you may be able to identify other telltale signs. Has your partner been throwing himself into work, drinking more, sleeping too little or too much, becoming more irritable, or having outbursts of anger and aggression? If this pattern of behaviour sounds familiar, your partner may be depressed. If he admits that to you, you need to find a gentle way to let him know that he is not alone and that it is OK to ask for help.

Your partner's approach to sex fits the pattern. Some men who are depressed experience sexual dysfunction; for others, like your partner, it purely impacts libido. When people are depressed, they get less pleasure from things that they used to enjoy, and inevitably that means they are less inclined to do them.

He was an attentive lover when foreplay was an enjoyable preamble to sex, but now he cuts to the chase because foreplay is an effort. He focuses on penetration because it leads to climax, and for someone who is depressed, orgasm can be a form of self-medication. Orgasm temporarily floods the brain with dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins, a cocktail of neurochemicals and hormones that aid relaxation, improve sleep quality and increase feelings of wellbeing.

One of the main reasons depressed men don't ask for help is that many have been subtly and unsubtly conditioned not to talk about emotions, or to express vulnerability. If he is clinically depressed you may not be the right person to help him, but you are definitely the right person to encourage him to access professional support.