Sex File: He loves 'make-up' sex but I don't
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You both have a point. Sexual arousal doesn't happen in a vacuum. It involves cognitive, physiological, and neurological processes, all of which include and are influenced by emotion.
If you feel flooded with anger, or emotionally bruised, you can't just switch those feelings off, especially if the person that wants to have sex with you is the one who made you feel like that in the first place.
However, your partner is also right. Sex is a good way to restore intimacy. It is partly to do with the fact that orgasm floods you both with dopamine and oxytocin, and it also reduces cortisol, which makes you feel less stressed and irritable.
You don't say what it is that you argue about, but it probably doesn't matter much anyway. The psychologist and relationship guru John Gottman has watched thousands of couples argue in his marriage lab, and his conclusion is that 69% of all the things that cause conflict in committed relationships are perpetual problems that can never actually be resolved.
All couples are different, but the things that they fight about tend to be pretty similar. There are the usual culprits: money, sex, work, family, domestic inequity, etc.
And then there are the emotional triggers: not sticking up for each other, not telling the truth, not sharing, not showing respect, not keeping promises, withholding love, or not reciprocating affection.
Sometimes fighting about the first group is a way of fighting for the second. For example, an argument over who should pay for what may really be about one person feeling that the other never shares.
Rows about housework are often about not keeping promises and not showing respect. And arguing about how often to have sex is nearly always about not reciprocating affection or withholding love.
Because how you argue is so much more important than what you argue about, Gottman has identified four communication patterns that you should try to avoid: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which describes how, when a person begins to feel overwhelmed or physiologically flooded during an argument, they stop communicating and withdraw into themselves.
It sounds an awful lot like the way you respond. It is perfectly reasonable to need some time to think and to talk after an argument, but unless your partner has done something truly heinous, it's not particularly useful to still be "working through conflict" after "a period of days", as you describe in your longer letter.
You obviously love each other, but you seem to interpret his sexual overtures as an attempt to "get his way", when he may be genuinely trying to restore intimate connection.
If he is offering you the proverbial olive branch, and if you love him and you are attracted to him, my advice would be to take it.
When you feel vulnerable, a simple touch can say a thousand sorrys, so don't overthink it.
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