Sex File: He's fixated with his performance in bed
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While it is lovely to be the centre of someone's sexual attention, the reality is that focus always needs to be balanced with copious amounts of abandon. Orgasm is an autonomic response and the minute you are under pressure to serve one up, your body shuts down. A lot of men view female orgasm as a stamp of approval. It is tangible evidence that they know what they are doing. But if there is one surefire way to get sex wrong, it is to try to get it 'right'.
Sex is a natural instinct and the minute thinking trumps feeling, it's all over. When a man becomes so fixated on delivering sexual pleasure that he dons a head torch before getting down to business, it puts all the pressure on his female partner, who then feels compelled to give him what he is searching for.
It's not about you at all, of course. His explicit focus on your pleasure is an indication of ego and insecurity. On the one hand, he wants to impress you with his mastery. On the other, he is terrified in case his mastery fails. That he rotates you through positions to see how long he can last is a bit of a giveaway. Lots of men, especially those who watch a lot of porn, believe that being good at sex means maintaining an erection for a really long time. They rarely appreciate that a single scene in a porn film requires multiple takes and multiple erections. Because they fear the indignity of a premature ending, they keep changing position to snatch a short break and allow their arousal to subside.
The average time it takes a man to orgasm once penetrative sex begins is five to seven minutes, but men who have grown up on a diet of online porn equate normal to premature. What they don't realise is that when they keep chopping and changing, it ruins the flow for their partner.
So how can you change things? You could try talking to him, but if he interprets what you are saying as a criticism, it might do more harm than good. Being more assertive and imposing what you want on the sexual dynamic might be a more effective strategy. If part of the problem is that you know you don't like the focus on your orgasm, but you are not quite sure what else you would prefer, be honest about that. It is going to be much easier for him to hear an admission of uncertainty from you than anything that sounds like a judgment of his performance.
The other thing you should bear in mind is that this is a new relationship, and your boyfriend is desperate to impress you. With the best will in the world, that is not going to last. The honeymoon period in any committed relationship is six months to two years tops, but couples tend to relax into a much more connected form of sexual intimacy a lot sooner than that. If you can hang in there, this problem will eventually resolve itself, because once he begins to trust you, and the relationship, he will stop trying to impress you so hard.
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