Talk To Me: I'm worried about my husband's work promotion 

Our cosy set up is about to change as he recently got a new job which requires travel. It’s a big step up in his career and the additional money is welcome but I’m dreading the impact on our family life.

As working parents, you are not only juggling duties but also family values. You have achieved harmony over the last number of years, which needs to be acknowledged and celebrated. We can be quick to disregard our accomplishments once a new dilemma demands our attention. Also, we often fail to integrate the learning from our successes into our problem-solving.

There is a clear sense of teamwork in your marriage.

Your awareness of where each of you is at any given moment is akin to a premiership football team on a pitch.

You have learned this through trial and tribulation and a shared value of wanting to help one another and the family as a unit. This value can guide you now.

Take time to discuss with your husband how his career change will contribute to the betterment of the family as a whole. Consider how the salary increase will serve this goal and whether other factors are associated with the new job that will enhance your family. Having a shared understanding of the positive impact of your husband’s success might help mitigate some of your concerns.

The conversation should explore whether there are alternative ways to achieve this goal that do not strain family life. If you decide together that this new job is the best route toward your shared goal, you can begin to explore how best to address your family stability.

While the new job may bring financial security, it will rock the current predictable pattern you have both built over time. Routines and roles need to be discussed.

Consider how this financial change can offset interim growing pains as the family learns how to adjust.

You may recruit additional support, such as an au pair who can help you. Alternatively, you may decide that the current routine is no longer viable or desirable, and you may change your work situation to take on the primary role at home. These changes can be seen as temporary, as the family routine will inevitably evolve as your children get older.

Recognising the positive aspects of your husband’s new job is crucial. Finding ways to maximise the benefits of it while minimising negative impacts on the family and your sense of achievement should be a key focus of the conversation. Aligning your contribution alongside his with your shared focus on family may address any sense of diminished recognition or power you might have.

You both seem highly motivated to succeed. Equal opportunity to thrive is essential in relationships. If your husband’s new job requires you to compromise your professional advancement, it is vital to identify if, how and when this imbalance might be addressed.

How do you as a couple embrace novelty and change? Take some time to reflect on times in the past when you had to make a big change. Are periods of change experienced as adventures energising you and enhancing your sense of autonomy and direction?

By contrast, does change correlate with risk for you and a sense of needing to protect yourself? Do you and your husband experience change in the same way? Consider previous experiences of change, what you did, what worked, and what you would do differently.

Open communication to discuss the challenges and opportunities with this change is critical before and during this transition.

Identify which family traditions are non-negotiable — these will likely reflect core family values.

Preserving certain family traditions will bring comfort and stability to your children.

While your husband’s new role may come with a potential for growth, your new role at home may also bring new experiences and learning opportunities for you and your children. New routines can shine a light on hidden strengths and ways of interacting. Find fresh ways to create memorable moments together, whether it is a weekly video call, Zoom bedtime stories or planning family activities for when he returns.

Be sure you don’t find yourself as the sole disciplinarian and enforcer while your husband becomes the ‘fun parent’. Regular conversation and sharing patterns of caregiving are critical for your relationship.

Sometimes, we need to let go, to let new ways emerge. Letting go of routines and roles that no longer serve us can safeguard the values we hold dear and want to pass on to our children. As TV star Ted Lasso tells us: “It may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out exactly as it’s supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.”

Take care.

• If you have a question for psychologist Caroline Martin, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie