Talk To Me: I’m fed up of my husband’s talk of weight loss

Sun, 13 Aug, 2023 - 07:28

Psychologist Caroline Martin

My husband went on a diet and lost two stone in three months. He’s delighted with the results and high energy levels but won’t stop talking about his weight loss. I understand he’s excited and proud of himself but it has got to the point where I’m bored listening to him. How can I get him to change the subject?

Increasingly, we are becoming aware that not only women but men too are exposed to a loud cultural narrative dictating a narrow definition of ideal weight and physique. While we know how important our physical health is to our overall wellbeing, it can be difficult to achieve a balance, neither preoccupied nor apathetic about our weight.

When our perceived social standing appears to correlate with weight loss, we can place a disproportionate value on weight at the cost of other values. Given your husband’s significant weight loss, it makes sense that he would experience great gratification from the subsequent endorsement and positive reaction from friends.

In asking your husband to stop talking about his success in losing weight you are expecting him to disregard quite a lot: his sense of achievement, social standing and validation. Understanding the underlying motivations and needs for your husband’s constant talk about his weight loss can guide your approach.

Choosing the right time and setting for a conversation about your feelings is critical. This is not a conversation to be had in front of friends or in a situation where it may cause embarrassment. Take time to consider when you can share a calm and private moment to talk. Begin by acknowledging and validating his achievements. It is likely crucial to him to know that you are genuinely happy for his success and that you appreciate the positive impact this has had on his energy and overall well-being.

When discussing your feelings, try to use ‘I’ statements to express how you’re experiencing his constant chat about his weight loss. Using ‘I’ statements will enable you to convey your feelings without coming across as accusatory or threatening. This will facilitate a more open conversation as your husband is less likely to feel he has to defend himself. You may say, ‘I’ve noticed your weight loss has been the main topic of conversation lately, and I feel a bit overwhelmed by it.’ By sharing your feelings and experience, you are inviting him to understand you on a deeper level.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

As you will be talking about your feelings about his constant weight-loss chatter, take time to reflect on what those feelings are. Consider what you respond to at all levels — cognitively, emotionally and viscerally. While his relationship with achievement, validation and weight may be complex, this is possibly true for you too.

You may benefit from talking to close friends or a therapist who can help you unpack your internalised story about weight loss and success and your husband’s experience.

Let him know that you value his achievements but also want to talk about topics that reflect other values you hold dear. Ahead of time, identify shared areas of interest or passion, these may be related to the family, a project or an experience, for example. Consider these other topics that interest you both and gently steer the conversation towards them without making him feel like you are dismissing his achievements.

It is OK to set boundaries by kindly letting him know that his success brings happiness and you would also like to talk about other things. Encourage your husband to reflect on the wider implications of his achievement. What does it mean to him that he has lost this weight? What does it mean to him to share this information with friends? Does it have a different meaning when he shares it with family or a doctor? Support him in uncovering the emotions driving his desire to talk about his weight loss. This may help him become more aware of his behaviour and its impact on others.

Women are conditioned not to ‘toot our own horn’ so it may be counterintuitive to share your triumphs. Sharing your experiences may, however, create a balance in the conversation. Seek to create a culture within your relationship that celebrates success associated with all your values and not just one.

Changes in conversation patterns do not happen overnight. Be patient with each other as you both adjust to new communication dynamics. The key is addressing the situation with empathy, understanding and open communication. By understanding and considering the underlying motivations and finding a way to meet those needs while introducing variety into your conversations, you can strike a balance that nourishes you both.

Encouraging a supportive and balanced conversation will ultimately strengthen your relationship.

Take care.