Colman Noctor: Power and 'politics' in teenage relationships

Despite the obvious mistreatment, these children make no effort to leave the relationship but instead choose to stay and become accepting of the situation.

They may appear to be too shy to speak out, but in reality, they are too fearful to challenge the dominant peer because they are deemed to be a leader in a wider group.

Challenging the leader of a teenage group can be viewed as ‘social suicide’ and so they often resign themselves to accepting their passive role as they see it as ‘the lesser of two evils’.

While many parents claim to know everything about their children, as they get older and more independent, we become less aware of the dynamics that exist in their childhood and teenage friendships.

The era of the smartphone has amplified this distance, and parents have never had less knowledge of the dynamics of their teenagers’ largely digital relationships.

When it comes to teenage friendships, there can be a whole series of politics involved.

While these politics exist in groups of boys, it is far more evident when it concerns groups of girls. The political landmines that you can inadvertently tread on are plentiful, and the consequences of any type of social ‘faux pas’ can be very serious.

Therefore, there are a number of sensitivities that need to be adhered to in order to navigate these groups which are often deeply complex.

There is often a hierarchy of power that exists where one or two confident and strong individuals assume the role of leaders. The influence of the leader is far-reaching. They often have the deciding vote on who is part of and who is excluded from ‘the group’ and this power is incredibly important to a group of individuals who crave belonging and acceptance.

While we don’t have sororities or fraternities as we witnessed in 1990s American movies, there are still nameless group dynamics that exist in Irish schools that although not explicit, are hidden in plain sight.

The leadership of these groups is rarely challenged by their members for fear it would result in them being ostracised from the group altogether.

This fear permits a mob mentality to thrive and this facilitates the process of exclusion with frightening regularity. These exclusive groups are not limited to the leafy urban suburbs, these dynamics can exist in the most rural of Irish primary schools.

While this might seem mature and sophisticated, the immaturity of these splinter groups can be observed in the arbitrary nature that people are included or excluded from them.

In most cases, the victim is unaware of what they did to be excluded. I spoke to a 14-year-old girl who was ostracised because her birthday was within a week of one of the leaders. These arbitrary nonsensical rules mean that anyone can be a victim and even the most carefully planned negotiation of the group dynamic can fail.

If you have been excluded from the popular group as a teenage girl you end up with negative market value. No one wants to be seen to befriend you for fear of attracting the negative attention of the ‘group’. This is an incredibly lonely place to be and can leave a child feeling isolated and alone.

If your child is the victim of the exclusion, they are usually reluctant to inform you. Your advice to ‘just find other friends’ (which we trot out with great regularity under the assumption that this is an easy thing to do), will be of no help.

They are right: most parents don’t understand the severity of being excluded from their peer group and the long-term consequences for their self-worth and self-value.

If, as a parent, you do realise something is wrong and find out that your child has been the victim of exclusion, it is an incredibly hard situation to manage.

Many children or teenagers don’t want you to intervene — and what does an ‘intervention’ look like? It’s not like you can demand that a group of children or teenagers re-friend your child.

Exclusion is notoriously hard to prove because it’s not so much the presence of abuse or assault, it is merely the removal of connection.

This can be hugely isolating for a young person who finds themselves being classed as a social pariah within a school community and this can have huge impacts on their self-worth and self-belief into adulthood.

Some people will suggest you should ‘get the school involved’, and while this is a good idea, the school staff are in a similarly tricky scenario where they are tasked with prescribing that some children play with other children, which may be possible in the younger age groups but is the height of cringe for any teenager in that situation.

The solution mooted by the teachers is often to ‘have a word with the class’ which involves a brief chat about the importance of inclusion and friendship, which often only stirs up the sniggering — the group knows all too well whom they are referring to, and the excluded child becomes even more undesirable.

Another approach would be to approach the parents of the person facilitating the exclusion, which can be equally ineffective.

In my experience, the parents of the child accused of instigating the exclusion will deny that it is happening and take offence at the charge being made against their child, which again backfires for the child at the centre of this dynamic.

So what can we do?

The work needs to be done with the leaders, or the bossy children.

Many parents and teachers applaud confidence. We like to see our children being assertive and popular. But as parents, do we ever question the nature of that popularity?

As difficult as it may be to do, we need to ask ourselves if our child is the one instigating the exclusion of other children. These bossy leaders often don’t come to the attention of parents or teachers because they seem to be thriving. They have a natural popularity, and are often talented academically or in sports which contributes to their social capital, and this allows them to take up the leadership roles.

Maybe in some ways we are creating or encouraging the evolution of these children to be the way they are by placing more stock on popularity and success than kindness and inclusivity.

As the adults in the room, we are intent on looking out for potential signs that a child could be a victim of bullying or exclusion, but we place far less attention on identifying the children more likely to bully or exclude. It is often made difficult by the social and emotional intelligence of these children who can pull the wool over the eyes of adults around them, as they are deemed to be very helpful and polite, rather than master manipulators.

We know that bullying and exclusion are huge problems in our society with far-reaching mental health consequences. An extensive review of all Irish studies by the DCU anti-bullying centre found that 22.4% of primary students and 11.8% of post-primary students have experienced some form of school bullying. That is a lot of children.

But instead of our response to the bullying problem being to bully-proof our children, why don’t we focus on the instigators of bullying dynamics? This process may well be difficult, but it might also be hugely important.

If you are a parent and you are reading this column, ask yourself could your child or teen be playing a role in the exclusion of others. If you are not sure, try to pay more attention and find out.

Observe how they interact with their peers and look out for any red flags or bossy behaviour. If you suspect it might be the case, share your values on inclusion, generosity, and the importance of being mindful of other people’s needs.

With all your praise for their social, academic, and sporting success, you may have missed out on passing these other values on to them. By intervening as the parent of the child who is excluding others you could be sparing a lot of children a lot of anguish and it is for that reason that I’d encourage all parents to ask themselves that question and act on any concerns.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist