Being a solo mum by choice - the experience of fertility treatment

“I wanted him to have similar interests to me, and he’s interested in travel and so am I.”

Now 38 and based in Singapore, Kerrie is single. Because she is gay, she always knew her journey to motherhood would involve a sperm donor — even if she had a partner. Based in the Cayman Islands for five years before moving to Singapore, even then she had thought about getting pregnant using assisted reproduction but hadn’t felt ready.

By the time she moved to Singapore, she was. But disappointment awaited. “You’re not allowed to seek assisted reproduction in Singapore if you’re a single woman — you have to be in a marriage as a heterosexual couple.”

In January 2022, Kerrie contacted Sims IVF in Dublin. “I had a video consult with the clinic. The doctor talked through tests I’d have to do in Singapore — blood tests to check my egg quality. IVF was recommended if this wasn’t good. I wanted to try IUI (placing sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation) first — it’s less invasive.”

Kerrie was “really relieved” to find her egg quality was good. “You assume every time you’ve a period that everything’s OK, but I was aware I was getting older so, yes, I was relieved.”

A fallopian tube test also checked out fine. It was time to choose her sperm donor— from Danish-based Cryos International Sperm Bank. Due to have the IUI procedure when she returned to Ireland for her summer holidays, Kerrie endured an anxious few weeks in Singapore when it seemed possible the sperm wouldn’t arrive on time.

“I was massively upset, really devastated. A few weeks later they emailed to say the sperm would be there. I felt a million different emotions.”

Back home, Kerrie began injecting herself with hormones to stimulate follicle growth in her ovary at the beginning of July. She underwent IUI in mid-July last year. “The insemination was done within a minute. I’d compare it to a smear test — afterwards, you just go about your day.”

Kerrie was instructed not to do a pregnancy test until the morning after two weeks had passed. “I was feeling really hopeful, but also nervous. I knew if it was negative I’d be really gutted. It came up positive. I was sitting holding it, absolutely shaking. Just to confirm, I did a second one — that was positive too.”

The next step was to confirm by blood test at the clinic. On the train, Kerrie waited until they were almost in Dublin before telling her mother — who was accompanying her — about the two positive pregnancy tests. “She was so happy, she started crying.”

With a follow-up blood test confirming the happy news, Kerrie felt “so fortunate”. Back teaching in Singapore, she had a smooth pregnancy, though gestational diabetes kicked in at the end. “I had to be induced — but mostly I had a really lovely pregnancy.”

Max, now 12 weeks, was born in Singapore in April. The birth was long, and quite traumatic. “Nobody tells you how much of an impact birth has on your body. And emotionally it’s pretty overwhelming.”

Always a “really independent” person, Kerrie says: “At that moment, when I had him, I realised how much I needed someone else. It doesn’t have to be a partner. I’d have found it really hard in the first few weeks if Mum hadn’t been here. I was looking after Max and she was looking after me and I needed that.

“So, yes, having a child has really highlighted being single for me. I didn’t think before about the little things that’d be lovely to share with someone, like the first time he does something, such as smile.”

Under Irish legislation, all donor sperm used for treatment within the State must be non-anonymous. This means the donor’s identity will be available to the child once they reach 18 years. Kerrie intends to talk with Max about being donor-conceived. “I don’t want it to be some sort of secret. Someone will ask, ‘Why don’t you have a dad?’ I want him to be prepared for the questions and how to answer. He’ll have questions himself too.”

Right now, Kerrie can’t wait to get Max home to Omagh. “I’ve got two young nephews who’re dying to see him and have a cuddle.”

Not openly talked about

Karen Ferguson, director of nursing and clinical services at Sims IVF, says they’ve seen a rise across their three clinics in numbers of single women choosing to start a family on their own.

“It varies between women who haven’t yet met the right person, to women who aren’t searching for that, but they’ve always known this was a path they were going to take. Others might have been in a relationship and had a recent break-up and they don’t want to hold off any longer.”

Having a child, Ferguson says, is really “a non-negotiable” for many women. “And now there’s that option to have a child through sperm donation.”

Ursula Lynch is fertility nurse specialist and donor sperm co-ordinator at Waterstone Clinic.

Last year, the clinic imported 123 sperm donations and Lynch says 64 of these were for single mothers by choice. When women choosing to be single parents approach the clinic, one key question always comes up in different guises.

“Women ask if they’re the only ones who’ve thought of having a child in this way. So they ask: ‘Do you do much of this?’ Or, ‘Are you busy?’” says Lynch, who believes this is because assisted reproductive medicine is quite new compared to other areas of medicine.

“Ovarian reserve and sperm donation aren’t openly talked about in society, so you still have people nervous they might be the only ones doing this. So we assure them it’s quite a busy area, and that it’s fantastic people have the choice to go down this route.”

On average, the solo-by-choice women Lynch meets are aged 38 to 42. “At the clinic, we treat women aged from 25 to 45, using their own eggs. At a certain age, a woman might be looking at double donation — donor egg and donor sperm. We’ve had about 10 women who’ve done double donation, who are single by choice.”

‘Out of everything in the world, what I wanted was a baby’

Mum to a one-year-old boy, Mayo-based Martina* always assumed motherhood would happen straightforwardly. “I assumed I’d go through the normal channels of meeting the right lad, getting married and having kids, but that didn’t happen. At 36 or 37, I thought, ‘This is so important, I just want to do it’. My biological clock was ticking and it was do or die.”

Martina wasn’t concerned about having a child on her own. “The financial or emotional side, none of it factored in my decision. I knew I wanted a child, that I’d be able to provide for and love a child. My only worry was what if it didn’t work.”

But with her egg quality good, Martina had high hopes for her first IUI. When it failed, it was “upsetting, but not devastating — I still had the second straw of sperm”.

Donor sperm is imported in units called straws and women are usually advised to purchase two or three so they have more opportunities for treatment — or even to have siblings in future.

Martina’s second IUI failed too. “I have polycystic ovary syndrome. It makes things more complicated.” Having spent her money on IUI, Martina — who works in finance — now needed to save for IVF. Treatment prices vary between Irish clinics. On average, IUI costs approximately €950 and IVF approximately €5,000, after donor sperm is purchased.

But just before covid hit, Martina started a new relationship — and in June 2020 realised she was pregnant. She miscarried in August at just over 11 weeks. “That devastated me. I realised, out of everything in the world, what I wanted was a baby.”

Her relationship subsequently ended and Martina, having had IUI in a different clinic, switched to Waterstone Clinic for IVF. She started the process in June 2021 and it culminated in two embryos. “Both were transferred at the same time to my uterus. I had just one go. I didn’t have a back-up plan.”

Fourteen days post-transfer, Martina got the longed-for positive pregnancy test. “I was absolutely delighted, but also really worried it could be taken away. I was just a bag of anxiety from the embryo transfer in October 2021 to the 20-week scan.”

While she had shared her plans with immediate family and some close friends, she waited until the 18-week mark before telling the news more widely. “My aunts are aged from their 50s to their 70s. Their reaction was unbelievable. They were all just thrilled. I found it really humbling. A new life in a family is always a positive thing.”

Her son was born by planned C-section in July last year. “He had reflux for the first four months. Then one day it stopped. He started to get stronger and really thrive.”

As a single mum, without a husband or boyfriend, it has been hard, but lovely too. “I don’t have any of that physical or emotional support, that ‘look, you’re brilliant’ and praising you. I have to be mindful of that. I have to say to myself ‘you’re doing brilliant’ and praise my boy as well.”

Now in her early 40s, Martina plans to bring her child to Denmark, where the donor sperm was sourced. “He’s always going to know he’s half-Danish.”

* Name changed

Steps to becoming a solo mum using sperm donation:

• Woman attends clinic for initial consultation and fertility assessments. Based on results and ultrasound scan, a treatment plan is discussed and scheduled. When using donor sperm, treatment options are IVF or the simpler IUI.
• In IVF, following egg retrieval, eggs and sperm are combined to allow fertilisation to occur – or, in a process called ICSI, a single sperm is selected and injected into a single egg. For single women, it’s usually the first method because, as Karen Ferguson of Sims IVF says, “the sperm will be of a high quality”.
• Before treatment with donor sperm starts, the woman meets with in-house counsellor for ‘implications counselling’. This session is not an assessment, explains Ursula Lynch of Waterstone Clinic. “It’s a non-judgmental, open-minded conversation to help them prepare emotionally, physically, and logistically for their fertility journey and path to parenthood. It’s a space to discuss potential and actual challenges and their solutions since fertility treatment can sometimes be overwhelming.” 
• The woman is guided through the practical side of acquiring donor sperm. “We discuss choosing a donor on the donor sperm databases, the legal framework in Ireland, and the amount of donor sperm the patient would like to purchase,” says Lynch.
• Sperm donor profile will have information on eye/hair colour, height, weight, type of build, race, particularities of appearance (for example, complexion), age, education or occupation, blood type, karyotyping, psychological profile, and infectious screening results.
• Once someone decides to embark on the process, the timeline from start to treatment is approximately three to four months. Once donor sperm arrives at the clinic, they can get started on their treatment and within a few weeks could be having their first pregnancy scans, says Lynch.