Pause and connect: How to celebrate Valentine’s Day as a family

“Her face blew up! It was nearly better than Christmas. She was just so happy that Daddy bought flowers for her,” says Fiadh’s mum, Aisling, who also has a one-year-old son, Rían, and a stepson, Jake, who’s 11.

“Everybody who came into the house— her Nana, whoever — it was ‘Look at my Valentine flowers’,” recalls Bandon-based Aisling, who says her partner, Terry, “always bought me chocolate and flowers when it was just us”.

But with two smallies, Aisling wanted him to make it special for them too. “Terry and I are together seven years. That’s enough hearts and flowers! He’d never walk in the door without something for me, but I wanted to make Valentine’s special for Fiadh and Rían.”

Valentine’s Day represents a pause and an opportunity to connect, says Dr Anne-Marie Casey, senior clinical psychologist and member of the Psychological Society of Ireland. “Taking care of our relationships sometimes requires us to take a pause — to stop in our tracks doing all the things we have to do in life — and to connect.

“It’s a pause to not go on the phone, to not organise playdates or plan the 100 things on your list. The busyness of life can interrupt our opportunities to connect.”

The little ways we use to connect don’t matter too much, says Casey. “You might leave a little love heart under the child’s pillow, like the tooth fairy, or a little card saying ‘I love you’. You might hide a joke under someone’s plate. One dad I heard about writes out a little poem every year in a card for his child.”

Simple acts of love

The most popular way for parents to celebrate Valentine’s with their kids is with chocolate, followed by card and toys, according to a poll conducted by children’s clothing brand Babyboo.ie of its 41,000 Instagram followers.

A Babyboo.ie spokesperson says: “Lots of respondents said their husband buys them and their kids a rose each as a small token. Another respondent [marks Valentine’s] by saying ‘five things we love about ourselves and each other’.”

Casey says it’s lovely to read a story with younger children — something like The Invisible String, which is about the unbreakable connections between loved ones. Or Sam McBratney’s Guess How Much I Love You, or Eoin McLaughlin’s The Hug. It’s all about putting appreciation and connection front and centre, and sweet little rituals on Valentine’s Day are a way of doing that.

“It gives a child — or anyone — such joy to be reminded that they’re loved and that someone has their back,” says Casey.

And even outside of Valentine’s Day, she points to rituals that strengthen relationships, like having meals together, or going to a movie or for a swim together — or looking at the stars together of an evening. And perhaps today might be a good day to begin one of those.

Casey says how we approach Valentine’s Day with our children will change as they grow, according to where they are developmentally. “There’s a lot of closeness in the early years. In the teen years, a lot can interrupt the connection. But no matter what age children are, the relationships with their parents give them a sense of emotional support, a sense of security and safety.”

And this is what anchors all of us, she says. “With that, we’re able to navigate whatever ups and downs come with the [particular] developmental stage.”

Aside from support, security and safety, Casey says older children/adolescents have particular needs around communication and trust. They want to know that they’re an individual and that they are seen and known as such in the parent-child relationship. She says a good example of a Valentine’s Day ritual that recognises this individuality involves each family member putting in a jar something they’d like to do that day, for example, dinner together or a movie. “It could be very random — going to the park, telling jokes over dinner.”

Casey says the ideas-in-a-jar approach allows for thinking of what each person in the family would like to do, rather than it being what Mum/Dad say everyone will do. “When you ask, ‘What would you like to do?’, it gives you a window to see what helps your child feel connected — rather than assuming ‘they love my hugs, my jokes, my singing’. It’s about what would mean connection for them.”

Relationships, Casey says, are always about serve and return. “You could work very hard at connecting and miss the return. In the serve and return, you’re giving space in the relationship for them to be able to tell you ‘what makes me tick’.”

Changing with the times

For Laura Erskine of The Parenting Experts, Valentine’s Day is just another opportunity to tell her children — James, 13; Lucy, 11; and Poppy, 4 — how much she loves them. With her older daughter, Laura wants to highlight this year the importance of nurturing relationships with female friends.

“That idea of ‘Galentine’, which celebrates your friendships with girlfriends, because as you grow these are your life support, whereas boyfriends come and go. So I will want to talk to Lucy about these relationships.”

Laura points out that with Valentine’s Day now ‘going online’, the intrigue that surrounded her teenage Valentine’s Day is no longer as potent for today’s teens. “I remember the card through the letterbox and trying to guess who the mystery sender was. Was it a boy from another school or in the neighbourhood? Or one of my siblings who’d then join in the guessing game? Now it’s a text or a Snapchat message.”

Perhaps, she suggests, this gives parents a chance to change the narrative — and somehow find a way of inserting mystery and magic into the day for their children/teens.

Laura also sees Valentine’s Day as a great opportunity for children to see parents celebrating their love for one another by, for example, gifting each other small tokens. “It’s not often children get to see these loving moments because they usually happen when the children have gone to bed. Valentine’s Day gives parents an opportunity to celebrate their love in front of the children.”

In Bandon, Aisling’s putting her phone down today and making it a family fun day. Adults can sometimes forget the basics, she says. “Your child doesn’t need all the toys. They just want to spend time with you. As a parent, you don’t need the gimmicks, the let’s-go-to-Smyths, children just want to be with you.

“Fiadh loves colouring, baking, anything once she’s making a mess. She’s obsessed with [the movie] Frozen — we’ll get the Frozen cupcakes that she can make herself. Lately, it’s her favourite thing to do. Rían just loves books — me reading, him on my lap or next to me on the sofa. We’ll do that. And we’ll pull out the scooters, go to the park.”

At 11, Jake, she says, is at the tween stage and “too cool” for much Valentine attention, but Aisling intends to make a love-themed breakfast today, either heart-shaped pancakes or porridge with strawberries in a heart shape. “And Jake would have that,” she says.

But whatever else happens, she’s sure about one thing: “Today is about making the children feel that Mum and Dad’s undivided attention is theirs.”