Talk To Me: Is it selfish to have a baby by a sperm donor?

Fri, 02 Dec, 2022 - 02:05

Psychologist Caroline Martin

I’m 39 and single. I always thought I didn't want to be a mother, but I had a lot of time to reflect during lockdown and have decided to go down the sperm donor route. I’ve told my family and friends, who are very supportive. However, I'm worried about raising a child who does not have a father and the impact that will have long term. I don’t want to be selfish, but at the same time, I don’t want to miss out on my only chance to have a baby. What would you suggest?

An increasing number of women are choosing to become solo mums through sperm donation. High-profile people such as singer and actress Natalie Imbruglia, who gave birth with the help of IVF and a sperm donor in 2019, will undoubtedly provoke curiosity.

Scientific advancements and big corporations such as Apple and Facebook funding the freezing of eggs have given rise to many questions about fertility and parenthood. It is no surprise that assisted reproduction businesses are booming and assisted reproduction is a much-debated area in the Houses of the Oireachtas.

Against this political and corporate backdrop, it is comforting to know that most, if not all, of the fertility clinics in Ireland will require you to attend counselling. These sessions will help you to tease out the implications of the decision.

Your reflections already indicate a level of insight into the range of issues you might explore further through counselling. Many children are being happily raised and loved in single-parent homes. However, in your potential situation, there is the added complexity of the identity of the sperm donor. This complication is significant and can have a long-term impact on your child. You are right to raise these questions, and I encourage you to record your thoughts as journalling will help you to reflect and sharpen your focus for any counselling sessions.

The impact of your decision is not restricted to your potential child - it also affects you as a pregnant and solo mum. Recent research in Sweden has noted that women who opt for this route to parenthood are identified as strong individuals, however, within the healthcare system they are vulnerable.

Solo mums often assume they must put up with all the difficulties alone and may find it more difficult than other parents to ask for help and get their needs met. Your support group will be vital in advocating for you and encouraging you to assert yourself.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Becoming a parent is a life-changing event regardless of one’s situation, and we could all benefit from some intentional reflection before embarking on parenthood. It will be wise to consider the implications for future partnerships. What happens if Mr or Ms Right comes into your life? What are your expectations of this person? While the answers to these questions may seem obvious to you, take time to talk them through with others as this may highlight some blind spots in your thinking.

It may sound trite to say being a parent is the most difficult job in the world, but there is truth in these words. I often remind people that it takes a village to raise a child. As a single mother by choice, it will be important for you to feel supported and not left 'holding the baby'. Begin by exploring, with your support team, how you might respond to questions about your pregnancy from neighbours and people in your community. Some people have traditional opinions on the composition of a family and it helps to have a clear, consistent and agreed message to use.

The expense of having children is widely acknowledged, and I suspect you have already considered this aspect. However, there can be unseen expenses of being a single parent that two-parent households do not have to consider. Two-parent families often have more resources to pool, such as two incomes, two allocations of sick leave, force majeure, annual leave and parental leave. Take time to consider how you might budget for the obvious (food, clothes, and education) and the less obvious (cost of time away from your job when your child is sick).

Tease out these ideas with people close to you. Talking about the many aspects of parenting will give you a good sense of what is driving your decision to be a single mum. It will also help your friends and family to understand your motivation. This process will be helpful as we all need people to remind us of our ‘why’ during tough times.

If you decide to go down this path, I encourage you to get support. Engage with an independent therapist to gain new awareness of yourself and how you see yourself in relation to your family and community. This depth of insight can lend itself to personal growth.

One day, your child will ask you about this journey, and your story will become part of who they are - it will become part of their story. In the words of gifted storyteller J.K. Rowling, ‘I am prouder of my years as a single mother than any other part of my life.’

Take care.