Colman Noctor: What to tell your child when ‘that would never happen here’ turns out false
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“But I thought you said that would never happen here.” This is what my 11-year-old said to me as we drove home last night.
She was referring to a previous conversation we had when she asked me about school shootings in the US.
This time, however, we were referring to events much closer to home.
We were listening to the horrific news story about the stabbing of five people, including three children, at a Gaelscoil in Parnell Square, Dublin.
I was stumped as I tried to think of a reply, as I too was taken aback by this incident.
The thoughts that young children would be attacked coming out of school is unfathomable.
It is a real challenge to make sense of these events as an adult, so I can only imagine how incomprehensible it is for children.
How do you explain how anyone could do such a thing?
The only thing I could do was draw my 11-year-old daughter’s attention to the bravery and the courage of the teachers, and the passers-by, that were mentioned in the bulletin.
The news reporter mentioned how people had formed a ring around the attacker to protect the other children.
It seems that the courage shown by the other teachers and members of the public, prevented others from getting hurt.
I also spoke to her about the staff of the nearby Rotunda Hospital, who also attended the scene to take care of those who were injured.
By emphasising these brave actions, I was trying to reassure my daughter there is good in the world, and hoping she would believe that there was far more good than evil. I was reluctant to make any more false promises, like “that would never happen here”, for fear that time will prove me wrong.
Only a week earlier, my eight-year-old son was asking me about the events in the Middle East, and it seems that having to explain the inexplicable is becoming a far more frequent task.
The parental dilemma is whether children should be told about these types of events at all.
As someone who believes in extending the innocence of childhood for as long as possible, I would say no — children should be protected from this reality.
However, this is becoming almost impossible in the contemporary world of multi-media exposure.
The possibility of children being exposed to snippets of these stories is quite high, and they will quickly begin to make up their own minds about the reality of what is occurring.
This could be a deeply confusing experience for young children.
Their natural inclination is often to develop a narrative of fantasy around an event, that can be dramatic and sometimes terrifying.
With this in mind, I have come to the conclusion that, if it is impossible to shield our children from this
upsetting material, we must intervene and mediate the material in the best way we possibly can.
There is no easy way of discussing or explaining such events to your child.
The first thing to realise is that every child is different, and a lot depends on their age, temperament, and robustness.
Gauging these aspects of the child will guide and determine what approach you will take.
If your child is sensitive, then perhaps a “less is more” philosophy is best when it comes to their questions.
As parents, we know our children best and so we are best placed to skilfully edit information and deliver it to them in a way they can manage. The challenge here is to achieve a balance of giving the child enough information to counteract the possibility of distressing fantasies, but also to make sure they do not feel overwhelmed.
It is my view that children in this age group do not need to know any of the specific details of a tragic event such as this.
These children need to feel safe to develop and learn.
We can see how their parents are at the very centre of their world and news stories, such as coverage of the stabbing, could overwhelm them.
They should be shielded from this media exposure.
If they are exposed to this content, it is more acceptable to be creative with the truth when communicating, because there are times when reality is far too difficult for them to comprehend.
These children may well have heard difficult stories and ask questions about events they see in the media.
As parents, we need to encourage these questions and try to answer them as best we can.
Reports of attacks on children are distressing, affecting people of all ages, and perhaps a proportionate amount of upset in this instance is understandable.
I would avoid getting into the details, which I believe is beyond their comprehension and perhaps unnecessary.
Teenagers are likely to be exposed to a lot of the news, internet discussion, and perhaps distressing images.
So how should parents approach this?
We need to support them in their grief and listen to their emotional response.
Acknowledge how painful it is to hear of such devastating events and offer emotional support if needed.
If you have a sense your child is aware of what happened, then you can offer to clarify any misperceptions or misinformation they may have. It may seem counterintuitive to encourage children to ask questions about this, but it is better they get the facts from you.
The most important part of these discussions is to reinforce a sense of your children’s safety.
Children of all ages need to be reassured that they are safe and loved at home.
The message you want to convey as a parent is that you will answer any question your child may have.
Being approachable and having an open and honest line of communication between a parent and child, where any topic is free to be discussed, is essential.
In a time of endless grim news stories, there is a need, now more than ever, to sustain our children’s hope.
Children need to grow up in a world free from threat and fear. Unfortunately, that seems to becoming harder to provide for them.
My thoughts are with the Parnell St school community. The task of sustaining their hope and establishing an environment where they will feel safe is going to be far harder, and the scenes that they witnessed will be etched in their minds for some time.
I hope that the customary psychological supports that will be made available to the children, families, and staff of the school community will help them to heal in as much as they can.
Protecting your children’s innocence is a tough task for any parent, writes
Colman Noctor
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
- This article was first published in May 2021 - it has been updated in response to recent news events.
